ZOOL!!!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

The Inevitable Return of the Great White Dope

It seemed such a simple task, thirteen days ago: one movie a day, every day, through Halloween.

I made the initial deadline with a review of a horrible little gem of filth titled Exorcismus; I find it strange that the worst film I have ever forced myself to witness was enough to keep me away from Netflix for two weeks. It put me into such a God awful funk that every time I would begin to watch a movie, I would spend the entire time nitpicking all of the little things that make a horror movie, well...horror. These films are supposed to have an inherent corniness to them, yet Exorcismus had such a profound effect on me, that I couldn't help but hate that exact aspect of them. This, doubled with an enhanced workload and a brutal fight with illness, kept me away from the Goon Squad.

I am back from the dead, however: this past Sunday marked the glorious return of the AMC original series The Walking Dead, as well as the onset of AMC's Fear Fest (possibly the best two weeks of programming any station offers during the year). With hopes high, I returned to Netflix Tuesday night with my first viewing of Kevin Smith's Red State (2011).

Alongside the Rev, I have followed this movie since it was first whispered that Smith would be delving into the fantastic world of horror. When it became clear that he would be tackling this project with such a novel release strategy, I became somewhat obsessed with what the outcome would be. I even attempted, back in May, to host one of the special screenings that Smith was offering, but understandable concerns prevented anything from coming to fruition.

Even though I have had numerous opportunities before Tuesday to watch it, I hadn't. It was worth the wait, however: Red State was ridiculously intense. Rarely do I find myself so anxious to immediately re-watch a movie, but Red State had me wanting more. If I have any complaint, it is that the film is nowhere near long enough; it easily could have gone on for another hour. James Parks' Mordechai was, simply put, one of the very talented actors finest roles; he attacked it with a severity that few are capable of. I could have listened to his religious rant for hours.

The gist of the film is simple enough, for those not aware of Red State: a trio of teens head to the town of Cooper's Dell for a random sex hook-up. Things take a turn for the strange, though, when the boys find themselves prisoners of the Five Point Church (fleeting thoughts of another, much more real cult, ahem, church), led by Mordechai. After the local sheriff gets involved, the ATF join the fray (allusions to other actual events from the past 30 years).

Besides James Parks, Red State also stars Kyle Gallner, Stephen Root, and John Goodman. I HIGHLY recommend that everyone watch this film. Kevin Smith has made something truly special here; I couldn't help, when talking to a friend the next day, mentioning that I think this is kind of Smith's American History X. In no way does it promote the kind of extremism that the Five Point Church utilizes, but it gives you a view of what that same extremism is capable of leading to.

Later tonight, I will be posting my review of the 1999 Japanese horror film, Audition, a movie that Eli Roth, Rob Zombie, and John Landis all said was hard to watch for it's graphic scenes of torture. Here's looking forward to tonight!

Appalachian Nation: We're All In This Thing Together

Read any news headline and it is fairly obvious that we are living in turbulent times right now in these United States of America. From high unemployment, two wars in the Middle East, civil unrest, climate change, and unchecked corporate greed the picture for the future looks grim.

It seems that the country has become divided now more than anytime since the Civil War. Conservative and Liberal talking heads take to the airwaves on a daily basis in a unending war of vitriol. Congress has become so mired in partisan politics it can do nothing to improve the state of the country. America is falling behind the rest of the world at alarming rates in areas of extreme importance. An overwhelming majority of Americans believe the nation is headed in the wrong direction. The question then becomes how do we get back on the right course, how do we change direction for the good of all citizens?

In order to answer this question one has to look at what has brought us to this point. In my opinion it is politics of division and distraction. Ancient military genius Sun Tzu speaks of the strategy of divide and conquer in his seminal work the Art of War. It appears that those who are in charge of this country are well aware of the effectiveness of this tactic. Our national dialogue has degraded from one of unity spelled out very clearly in our nations name the UNITED States of American into one of us v. them. Our nation has become something resembling the rivalry between the University of Kentucky and the University of Louisville on steroids, Red v. Blue, Democrat v. Republican, and Liberal v. Conservative.

This has created an environment of disengagement from the political process intended by our founding fathers, who adopted the motto E. Pluribus Unum (Out of many, one) adopted by an act of congress in 1782. These methods of division and distraction have allowed for our nation to be high jacked by special interest groups, multi-national corporations, and the richest 1%. While the middle class and working poor bicker and argue over conservative this, liberal that. The aforementioned interest have seized control of the power, they release talking point after talking point paraded out by their "political strategist" to fan the flames of division. Keeping the American public distracted. This was never more evident than in the recent ruling by the United States Supreme Court (USSC) in the case Citizens United (don’t be fooled by the title) v. Federal Election Commission. This ruling opened the door for an unprecedented flood of money into our political system. Essential driving home the final stage in the take over of our system by the wealthy and corporations alike set in movement way back in 1886 in the USSC case Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad. Now these special interest groups can push there agenda in anyway they see fit by playing to the greed and corruption of those in office.

Here is the kicker though it doesn’t have to be this way and we don’t have to stand by idly. Our founding fathers gave us a way out, it is called the constitution. The first amendment gives us the right to free speech and assembly. We were provided with voting rights in order overhaul our system as we see fit. We just have to exercise these rights. We have to wake up and move past the politics of distraction and division that those who seek to control and monopolize this country have used to take us to where we are today.

You see it is simple; we are all in this thing together. Not conservative v. liberal, red v. blue, rich v. poor. No matter our difference of opinions we all live as free men and women under one banner that of Americans. We can work together like we have in the past to move our country into a better future for all of our nation’s citizens rather than the benefit of the few. We can demand better but it won’t be possible without first setting aside what tears us apart and focusing on what brings us together. The motto of our great Commonwealth of Kentucky is quite fitting given the state of the union today. UNITED WE STAND, DIVIDED WE FALL.

Night I: What happened to exorcism movies?

Starring pop legend Kei$ha!

Not really...but I can't help but wonder if this would have been more watchable if it did.

My intention was to kick this off with "Horde", but due to some technical difficulties, it has been delayed to a later installment. Anywho, I've decided to kick things off tonight with this little piece of vile garbage, "Exorcismus".

Honestly, I entered into this movie with slightly heightened expectations due to the presence of Pinhead himself, Doug Bradley. I thought to myself that any movie featuring the lead Cenobite himself as a priest faced with a case of possession would be worth two hours of my life, but I was horribly mistaken. Exorcismus starts off a jumbled mess: shitty editing leaves one wondering what exactly is going on, and if you aren't careful, you will quickly find yourself wondering "what the holy fuck have I stumbled into?! What blithering bat-shit fuck-crazy chicanery is THIS?" After fumbling right out of the gate, at no point does this travesty find it's pacing (not that it is ever given the chance to).

Heading into the third act, which in a movie dealing with exorcism tends to be the strongest part of the film, there was still no sign of Mr. Bradley. With less than a fifth of the movie left, however, he finally staggers into the production like Jack Sullivan entering the 72nd round: Doug obviously had fun with the role, but seems a slight bit confused the entire time as to why he is even in the picture. ANYONE could have been used in his place, and the budget of this film would probably have been reduced by three-quarters.

I am a little disappointed in myself right now; I really wanted to kick things off with a bang, but this movie put me in a funk that I have yet to recover from. I am disheartened that the exorcism genre has fallen to such lows, especially when some of the greatest horror movies of all time can be found in it's hallowed territory. Hopefully tomorrow's movie, "Cronos", will more than make up for this abortion and restore my faith in the genre. I have witnessed too much crap calling itself horror these past few weeks, and am in serious need of some quality scares.

Why, Japan, why?

I can not understand a number of social norms in other countries; I just accept them for being different. America is viewed the same way, whether it be our politics, religion or hell, even the foods we eat. Of all the countries, I believe Japan to makes me scream "why" more than anything else.

Take for example, their idea of porn. Fetishes will always be taboo, but what's with the tentacle stuff? Innocent little girl just chilling in her room, all safe, then - NOPE! Tentacles! It's not even consensual, either. It's as if the kraken grew tired of terrorizing the sea and decided violating little Misyo's orifices with freaking tentacles needs to be done.

On the topic of sex, let's focus on Japan's man to woman ratio. Apparently, due to some jacked up social law and restricted space, having a daughter was not acceptable for a time. Fear of gross over crowding meant death to a daughter, but still cool to pop out sons left and right. Seeing as how homosexuality is out of the question in Japan, most men go their entire lives without having sex. You can now justly refer back to the previous key point involving tentacles being cool. Seeing as how this is a big problem, and a lot of the guys not having tentacles, there must be other ways. This guy, decides that life like sex dolls are the answer. And these men have air sex yes, I said air sex. It's like air guitar, but with your crotch and a lot less private.

Let us now make the giant leap over to food. What the fuck is this Japan?! When I feel the urge for cheap, fast and delicious fast food, McDonalds is first in mind. Golden arches, statistic of how many served, clowns and a worthless mayor that can't catch one criminal. I do not think of said clown haunting me at every turn.

Don't get me wrong, I love a lot of the Japanese culture. The foods are amazing, the women beautiful until a certain age and their technologies are always mind boggling. But the weird stuff always makes me cringe.

Coming Soon

Beginning this Friday, October 7th, I am going to take advantage of my favorite time of the year to review for you, dear reader, a random horror movie a day through Halloween. That's 25 films, all randomly selected from Netflix; if any of you have any recommendations, I will happily listen, just leave a comment with the name and why you are recommending it, and I will oblige. Other than that, ladies and germs, I have to get back to the grind (work, Gonzo, kicking this flus ass...just the basics), but I look forward to hearing from each of you.

This shit

was what I used to live for. AMA Motocross, circa 1996. McGrath defending his outdoor title against the Fro.

Home is where the heart is

I look back on the last 10 years of my life and if I do not end up writing a book I am seriously wasting a good story. Lucky Man finds himself divorced, something I wish upon no one. Being an individual who demands success of himself, a failed marriage is single-handedly the biggest disappointment of my life. The heart ache, the pain, I wish it upon no one. Maybe it hurt so bad when it happened because I expected this marriage to last forever, or maybe I loved her, hell maybe I am just the kind of guy who never loses. Throw that on a shitty job that drove me crazy and I feel half the man I once was. Regardless, I am home to begin a new chapter of my life, and with that a positive mindset must take presidence. No more b.s. no more hours away from everything and everyone, and even better, time for new memories and maybe just maybe something so much better than I knew before.

To start this new chapter in my life I surrounded myself around friends and family and let me just say, you people rock! I seriously have the best friends, and the greatest family on the face of the planet. Here I sat five hours from everything, sober, heart-broken, and alone, or so I thought. My childhood friend and long time partner in crime was there the day after. Texts, emails, and phone calls flooded in. I found myself in therapy, and on a road heading south to the bluegrass state, the state where everything I know exists. I with that, I learned everything will be okay. I managed to catch up with each and everyone of my BPC familia, and spend time with my family which over the course of the last three years, was restricted to holidays. We talked, shared beers, hugged, cried, laughed, and remembered what makes life worth living, and that my dear readers is friendship...........scratch that family. Family goes beyond blood, and in Kentucky that is what I have.

In my time away from WV, I held my first new born, shared a hug and smile from friends I haven't seen in years, and showed myself happiness can be had again, even if it isn't exactly in the context my heart longs for. In my time spent in the south, I realized one thing, I belong in Kentucky. With this sudden clarity, I did the most spontaneous thing I've ever done in my entire life, I packed my shit, loaded up a U-Haul and did what everyone always expected with happened and moved to Lexington. With this new journey, I find myself roommates with Chadles, and let's face it everyone, it was bound to happen someday. This is where you find where you stand with your brothers. I visit to help with a move and find myself as his roommate, and let me tell you, it is amazing. This evening I sat at the pub with friends, eating fish and chips, laughing, and talking about our past and planning for events in the future. This is what life is all about. Happiness, friends, and memories.

My brother is expected, my dear brother Rev. is expecting and I actually get to be here to share those experiences. The past three years out of state has been the biggest growing experience of my life, and though it ended abruptly in heartache, I regret nothing, and most importantly, this new chapter of my life, this journey, I will embrace each and every day with a smile. Yeah I'm in therapy, yes I am sorta battered, and yes I still cry, why? Who knows. Maybe I do need medication, but I do know this, the best medication, the best therapy for me is being with each and every member of my family, both blood and BPC. This post is a thanks to you guys. Each and every one of you, from the late night texts to the hugs as I cried on your porches, to the beers, cheers, and positive reinforcement, to the father who made the 7 hour trek south at 2am, you all saved me. This new chapter in my life exists because of you all, and I will openly admit the book would have closed without that.

Home is where the heart is, and though my heart still lingers up north, everything will be okay. To the next chapter, cheers!

Appalachian Nation: One Hillbilly's Simple Message

September 23rd, 2011 marked the one year anniversary of my fraternal grandfather's death. I didn't think that the anniversary would effect me as much as it did. I spent most of the day coming to terms, something I thought I had already done, with the monumental loss of basically my only male support, a trusted and loved adviser. A man who I had spent more time with in my life than any other male role model, a grandfather who was really a father. During this reflection I began to think of my ancestry and what role my individual life is playing in the grand march of time. I began to think of the current situation that our communities are facing but more importantly the problems that have come to define the region in which we live.

Appalachia is a region steeped in history, a place that helped to weave the fabric that is America. Over 200 years ago our ancestors left behind everything they had ever known, with little more than the clothes on their backs, and set off to a new world filled with promise and hope. A place where they could be measured by their will and determination to survive, a place where a man, and probably more so a woman's, true grit would be weighed. Where they could redefine the stars under which they were born to what ever they wanted them to be. They left terrible situations in Germany,England, Scotland, and Ireland. All for the hope that a better life awaited an ocean away in a strange and deadly wilderness. They made their way into the hills of the United States western frontier (then) a region which reminded them so much of the places and people that they had left behind. Through disease, natural disasters, accidents (it is pretty easy to die of something small when the nearest hospital doesn't exist) skirmishes with natives, national wars from the revolutionary to the civil, and a myriad of other unimaginable obstacles these people fought and carved out a life from the unforgiving hillside. Their ancestors would go on to become some of the nations greatest and most revered artist, thinkers, innovators, and leaders. The history of Appalachia is the history of America.

However our ancestors could never have imagined that in recent times the dreams and hopes they held for the future would become lost, stuck, and drowning in the mire that is poverty, rampant drug addiction, environmental overstress, under-education and inadequate medical care. That their ancestors would become stereotyped through modern mass media into the roles of toothless, ignorant, incestuous, violent savages. They could never foresee the self defeatist attitude that would overtake the region and become the norm for most people in Appalachia. I don't have to sit here and highlight all the problems that face our people or really how we even got to where we are today we know it all to well because we live it. That is not the message I want to pass on to people describing what went wrong and what is wrong. Rather the message that I want to pass on to people is simply one of pride.

Take pride in the fact that you come from a stock of people who were some of the most bold, fearless, and inventive people of their day, not the ignorant lot portrayed in Lil Abner, on The Beverly Hillbillies, on Jerry Springer or the nightly news . Take pride in your home and land, keep the environment clean not just your little patch ( although some are so bad people could spend a life time reclaiming their own land unfortunately) and cherish the nature that abounds around us. These hills are some of the oldest mountains in the world, they contain one of the most bio diverse hardwood forest on the planet, and they are the direct connection we have to our past and ancestors. How many generations of human beings have lived, loved, passed, and now rest in these hills? Take pride in being a good neighbor by respecting others and their property and being an active member of your community. But most importantly, because all change starts here. Take pride in YOURSELF, take care of your life physically, mentally and spiritually. Refuse to be a stereotype, refuse to become a statistic, resist the temptations of self defeat the drugs, the cycle of dependence on the government and others, the filth that comes with self loathing. Stand up against those that don't have enough pride in themselves or their history to take control of their lives don't allow them to bring you or the community down further. We don't have to take what we have been getting lately.

You see we can stand up, one united Appalachia with our sights set on a better future for all of us and a more fitting memorial for our ancestors who we owe so much. We can pay our ancestors back for their intrepid, fearless pursuit of a better life for themselves and their offspring by living a life they would be proud of, by taking all of the good qualities and principles they shared and continuing to move forward into the future. All it takes is some good old fashioned APPALACHIAN PRIDE

Splatter-porn or: When Good Directors Go Bad

I have been furiously tearing through the Gonzo papers since last I posted, doing research for a future article on "The Ten Most Important Pieces of Gonzo Journalism"; it is slow going, as there are so damn many of them. Trust me when I say, however, that this is not a bad thing. For those not in the know, Gonzo is a form of journalism considered dead since February 20, 2005, when the good doctor decided that there was no more fun.

I digress: today is not about Gonzo or Hunter. No, today I want to talk a little bit about Dutch filmmaker Tom Six and his two most recent directorial efforts, The Human Centipede [First Sequence] and The Human Centipede II [Full Sequence]. This post is going to be split into two parts: the first concerning my thoughts on Human Centipede and what it meant to horror as a genre upon it's release, while the second will cover my initial reactions and musings on the reviews for Full Sequence just now coming out of Fantastic Fest.


The Human Centipede [First Sequence], written and directed by Mr. Six, was released on April 28, 2010 to much controversy; here was a film that told the story of a doctor so fascinated with the Nazi experiments during World War II (and centipedes...let's not forget that) that he kidnaps three tourists so that he can, "with 100% medical accuracy", conjoin them ass-to-mouth to form his very own human centipede (such subtlety in the title).

My initial reaction to this was "holy God damn shit, I have to see this movie!" I mean, c'mon: I came out of 2 girls 1 cup laughing uncontrollably at the fact that the hype and reaction videos didn't live up to what I saw. I went in expecting nothing short of something spectacularly vulgar that would change my very concept of how the world worked. Instead, I left with a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had just been hosed on such a grand level, and that there was nothing on this planet that would make me look at things differently.

I had high hopes for Tom Six's masterpiece. The reviews were ridiculous, and everyone seemed to think that this was IT; this was the one that would change the horror genre, finally pushing it into bold, previously uncharted waters of disgusting gore that we had yet to see. What I got, though, was an absolute shit-film that has almost no gross factor to it all. And no, I am not going to go into a fully detailed recounting of what I bore witness to that night, but I will tell you that I absolutely do not recommend watching it; it is a waste of time. Coming from someone that loves film in all of it's diverse forms, that is what you call a condemnation of the highest sort. The only redeeming factor of the film was Dieter Laser, the man behind the doctor. He was superb, relishing his role in a way that only some bastard hybrid of Christopher Walken and Udo Kier can. In fact, if Platinum Dunes ever decides to give this the remake treatment, I hope they get one of these two to fill the role.


At Fantastic Fest this past week, The Human Centipede II [Full Sequence] made it's premiere as part of their midnight horror series. The reviews for it have been wildly varied, but two in particular, from two men that I tend to actually put stock in (since they tend to agree on movies and I almost always agree with them), are the only ones that I am going to pay attention to.

The first comes from Collider.com, and is written by Scott Wampler. Scott and I disagreed on the first Centipede (he loved it, I hated it), so I have a feeling that I am absolutely going to hate this one (he loves it). And this actually makes me a little sad, as he makes it a point of mentioning that this one is full of ALL THE THINGS that I was hoping for in the first one. The only problem I have with his review, though, and the thing that is sending me into watching this movie with a negative outlook, is that it seems that Tom Six has let what everyone said about the first movie go to his head. The whole synopsis is included up there in the link if you care to read it, but that's the problem: he sacrificed any semblance of a good horror premise and seems to have transcended into the almost realm of snuff. Having said that, I don't care either way for snuff films, but I do care if a movie is awesome/great/merely good/meh/terrible/fucking shit, and snuff tends to fall in that last category, with the biggest notable exception being Ruggero Deodato's Cannibal Holocaust, which can not only be argued as being the first in it's genre, but also for establishing the found-footage film as a serious contender in horror (oh, and if you are curious, it falls under awesome).

The other review, from Quint over at Ain't It Cool (AICN has turned into a giant, steaming pile of dog shit over the past five years under the thumb of Harry Knowles, but that is neither here or there. Capone and Quint are both still worth following). Needless to say, Quint has all of the problems with the movie that I addressed above, and I feel a little vindicated in advance of watching it that we share some opinions concerning Full Sequence, and I haven't even seen it yet. I would post his review, but I refuse to support AICN anymore than I have to, so you will have to go over there and check it out yourself if you really want to read it.

I lost sight of the end goal in there somewhere, ranting about what a horrible travesty that Tom Six and his films are, but, like any person dedicated to film, I am going to make the journey back into his world to see this for myself. Fellow Goon Squad contributor Jordan Youmans and I watched the first one, and we are patiently waiting for this one to be available to us for final judgment, but I have very low expectations. Six is planning a third installment, but hopefully this one will be atrocious enough of a parody of filmmaking that no one will support him in his endeavors.