Home is where the heart is

I look back on the last 10 years of my life and if I do not end up writing a book I am seriously wasting a good story. Lucky Man finds himself divorced, something I wish upon no one. Being an individual who demands success of himself, a failed marriage is single-handedly the biggest disappointment of my life. The heart ache, the pain, I wish it upon no one. Maybe it hurt so bad when it happened because I expected this marriage to last forever, or maybe I loved her, hell maybe I am just the kind of guy who never loses. Throw that on a shitty job that drove me crazy and I feel half the man I once was. Regardless, I am home to begin a new chapter of my life, and with that a positive mindset must take presidence. No more b.s. no more hours away from everything and everyone, and even better, time for new memories and maybe just maybe something so much better than I knew before.

To start this new chapter in my life I surrounded myself around friends and family and let me just say, you people rock! I seriously have the best friends, and the greatest family on the face of the planet. Here I sat five hours from everything, sober, heart-broken, and alone, or so I thought. My childhood friend and long time partner in crime was there the day after. Texts, emails, and phone calls flooded in. I found myself in therapy, and on a road heading south to the bluegrass state, the state where everything I know exists. I with that, I learned everything will be okay. I managed to catch up with each and everyone of my BPC familia, and spend time with my family which over the course of the last three years, was restricted to holidays. We talked, shared beers, hugged, cried, laughed, and remembered what makes life worth living, and that my dear readers is friendship...........scratch that family. Family goes beyond blood, and in Kentucky that is what I have.

In my time away from WV, I held my first new born, shared a hug and smile from friends I haven't seen in years, and showed myself happiness can be had again, even if it isn't exactly in the context my heart longs for. In my time spent in the south, I realized one thing, I belong in Kentucky. With this sudden clarity, I did the most spontaneous thing I've ever done in my entire life, I packed my shit, loaded up a U-Haul and did what everyone always expected with happened and moved to Lexington. With this new journey, I find myself roommates with Chadles, and let's face it everyone, it was bound to happen someday. This is where you find where you stand with your brothers. I visit to help with a move and find myself as his roommate, and let me tell you, it is amazing. This evening I sat at the pub with friends, eating fish and chips, laughing, and talking about our past and planning for events in the future. This is what life is all about. Happiness, friends, and memories.

My brother is expected, my dear brother Rev. is expecting and I actually get to be here to share those experiences. The past three years out of state has been the biggest growing experience of my life, and though it ended abruptly in heartache, I regret nothing, and most importantly, this new chapter of my life, this journey, I will embrace each and every day with a smile. Yeah I'm in therapy, yes I am sorta battered, and yes I still cry, why? Who knows. Maybe I do need medication, but I do know this, the best medication, the best therapy for me is being with each and every member of my family, both blood and BPC. This post is a thanks to you guys. Each and every one of you, from the late night texts to the hugs as I cried on your porches, to the beers, cheers, and positive reinforcement, to the father who made the 7 hour trek south at 2am, you all saved me. This new chapter in my life exists because of you all, and I will openly admit the book would have closed without that.

Home is where the heart is, and though my heart still lingers up north, everything will be okay. To the next chapter, cheers!

Appalachian Nation: One Hillbilly's Simple Message

September 23rd, 2011 marked the one year anniversary of my fraternal grandfather's death. I didn't think that the anniversary would effect me as much as it did. I spent most of the day coming to terms, something I thought I had already done, with the monumental loss of basically my only male support, a trusted and loved adviser. A man who I had spent more time with in my life than any other male role model, a grandfather who was really a father. During this reflection I began to think of my ancestry and what role my individual life is playing in the grand march of time. I began to think of the current situation that our communities are facing but more importantly the problems that have come to define the region in which we live.

Appalachia is a region steeped in history, a place that helped to weave the fabric that is America. Over 200 years ago our ancestors left behind everything they had ever known, with little more than the clothes on their backs, and set off to a new world filled with promise and hope. A place where they could be measured by their will and determination to survive, a place where a man, and probably more so a woman's, true grit would be weighed. Where they could redefine the stars under which they were born to what ever they wanted them to be. They left terrible situations in Germany,England, Scotland, and Ireland. All for the hope that a better life awaited an ocean away in a strange and deadly wilderness. They made their way into the hills of the United States western frontier (then) a region which reminded them so much of the places and people that they had left behind. Through disease, natural disasters, accidents (it is pretty easy to die of something small when the nearest hospital doesn't exist) skirmishes with natives, national wars from the revolutionary to the civil, and a myriad of other unimaginable obstacles these people fought and carved out a life from the unforgiving hillside. Their ancestors would go on to become some of the nations greatest and most revered artist, thinkers, innovators, and leaders. The history of Appalachia is the history of America.

However our ancestors could never have imagined that in recent times the dreams and hopes they held for the future would become lost, stuck, and drowning in the mire that is poverty, rampant drug addiction, environmental overstress, under-education and inadequate medical care. That their ancestors would become stereotyped through modern mass media into the roles of toothless, ignorant, incestuous, violent savages. They could never foresee the self defeatist attitude that would overtake the region and become the norm for most people in Appalachia. I don't have to sit here and highlight all the problems that face our people or really how we even got to where we are today we know it all to well because we live it. That is not the message I want to pass on to people describing what went wrong and what is wrong. Rather the message that I want to pass on to people is simply one of pride.

Take pride in the fact that you come from a stock of people who were some of the most bold, fearless, and inventive people of their day, not the ignorant lot portrayed in Lil Abner, on The Beverly Hillbillies, on Jerry Springer or the nightly news . Take pride in your home and land, keep the environment clean not just your little patch ( although some are so bad people could spend a life time reclaiming their own land unfortunately) and cherish the nature that abounds around us. These hills are some of the oldest mountains in the world, they contain one of the most bio diverse hardwood forest on the planet, and they are the direct connection we have to our past and ancestors. How many generations of human beings have lived, loved, passed, and now rest in these hills? Take pride in being a good neighbor by respecting others and their property and being an active member of your community. But most importantly, because all change starts here. Take pride in YOURSELF, take care of your life physically, mentally and spiritually. Refuse to be a stereotype, refuse to become a statistic, resist the temptations of self defeat the drugs, the cycle of dependence on the government and others, the filth that comes with self loathing. Stand up against those that don't have enough pride in themselves or their history to take control of their lives don't allow them to bring you or the community down further. We don't have to take what we have been getting lately.

You see we can stand up, one united Appalachia with our sights set on a better future for all of us and a more fitting memorial for our ancestors who we owe so much. We can pay our ancestors back for their intrepid, fearless pursuit of a better life for themselves and their offspring by living a life they would be proud of, by taking all of the good qualities and principles they shared and continuing to move forward into the future. All it takes is some good old fashioned APPALACHIAN PRIDE

Splatter-porn or: When Good Directors Go Bad

I have been furiously tearing through the Gonzo papers since last I posted, doing research for a future article on "The Ten Most Important Pieces of Gonzo Journalism"; it is slow going, as there are so damn many of them. Trust me when I say, however, that this is not a bad thing. For those not in the know, Gonzo is a form of journalism considered dead since February 20, 2005, when the good doctor decided that there was no more fun.

I digress: today is not about Gonzo or Hunter. No, today I want to talk a little bit about Dutch filmmaker Tom Six and his two most recent directorial efforts, The Human Centipede [First Sequence] and The Human Centipede II [Full Sequence]. This post is going to be split into two parts: the first concerning my thoughts on Human Centipede and what it meant to horror as a genre upon it's release, while the second will cover my initial reactions and musings on the reviews for Full Sequence just now coming out of Fantastic Fest.


The Human Centipede [First Sequence], written and directed by Mr. Six, was released on April 28, 2010 to much controversy; here was a film that told the story of a doctor so fascinated with the Nazi experiments during World War II (and centipedes...let's not forget that) that he kidnaps three tourists so that he can, "with 100% medical accuracy", conjoin them ass-to-mouth to form his very own human centipede (such subtlety in the title).

My initial reaction to this was "holy God damn shit, I have to see this movie!" I mean, c'mon: I came out of 2 girls 1 cup laughing uncontrollably at the fact that the hype and reaction videos didn't live up to what I saw. I went in expecting nothing short of something spectacularly vulgar that would change my very concept of how the world worked. Instead, I left with a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had just been hosed on such a grand level, and that there was nothing on this planet that would make me look at things differently.

I had high hopes for Tom Six's masterpiece. The reviews were ridiculous, and everyone seemed to think that this was IT; this was the one that would change the horror genre, finally pushing it into bold, previously uncharted waters of disgusting gore that we had yet to see. What I got, though, was an absolute shit-film that has almost no gross factor to it all. And no, I am not going to go into a fully detailed recounting of what I bore witness to that night, but I will tell you that I absolutely do not recommend watching it; it is a waste of time. Coming from someone that loves film in all of it's diverse forms, that is what you call a condemnation of the highest sort. The only redeeming factor of the film was Dieter Laser, the man behind the doctor. He was superb, relishing his role in a way that only some bastard hybrid of Christopher Walken and Udo Kier can. In fact, if Platinum Dunes ever decides to give this the remake treatment, I hope they get one of these two to fill the role.


At Fantastic Fest this past week, The Human Centipede II [Full Sequence] made it's premiere as part of their midnight horror series. The reviews for it have been wildly varied, but two in particular, from two men that I tend to actually put stock in (since they tend to agree on movies and I almost always agree with them), are the only ones that I am going to pay attention to.

The first comes from Collider.com, and is written by Scott Wampler. Scott and I disagreed on the first Centipede (he loved it, I hated it), so I have a feeling that I am absolutely going to hate this one (he loves it). And this actually makes me a little sad, as he makes it a point of mentioning that this one is full of ALL THE THINGS that I was hoping for in the first one. The only problem I have with his review, though, and the thing that is sending me into watching this movie with a negative outlook, is that it seems that Tom Six has let what everyone said about the first movie go to his head. The whole synopsis is included up there in the link if you care to read it, but that's the problem: he sacrificed any semblance of a good horror premise and seems to have transcended into the almost realm of snuff. Having said that, I don't care either way for snuff films, but I do care if a movie is awesome/great/merely good/meh/terrible/fucking shit, and snuff tends to fall in that last category, with the biggest notable exception being Ruggero Deodato's Cannibal Holocaust, which can not only be argued as being the first in it's genre, but also for establishing the found-footage film as a serious contender in horror (oh, and if you are curious, it falls under awesome).

The other review, from Quint over at Ain't It Cool (AICN has turned into a giant, steaming pile of dog shit over the past five years under the thumb of Harry Knowles, but that is neither here or there. Capone and Quint are both still worth following). Needless to say, Quint has all of the problems with the movie that I addressed above, and I feel a little vindicated in advance of watching it that we share some opinions concerning Full Sequence, and I haven't even seen it yet. I would post his review, but I refuse to support AICN anymore than I have to, so you will have to go over there and check it out yourself if you really want to read it.

I lost sight of the end goal in there somewhere, ranting about what a horrible travesty that Tom Six and his films are, but, like any person dedicated to film, I am going to make the journey back into his world to see this for myself. Fellow Goon Squad contributor Jordan Youmans and I watched the first one, and we are patiently waiting for this one to be available to us for final judgment, but I have very low expectations. Six is planning a third installment, but hopefully this one will be atrocious enough of a parody of filmmaking that no one will support him in his endeavors.

The Good Reverend's Vocabulary Lesson #1

 Thare quite a few people out there who throw words and phrases around because it's the "now" thing to say. Well, that's bullshit. One shouldn't use words/phrases that they do not understand. Drives me fucking banana sandwich. This is where I step in. Every so often, I intend to impart some vocabulary knowledge on our readership. Starting with a word that so many misuse.

 Brother/Brotherhood.

Brother, as defined by Merriam Webster

1

: a male who has the same parents as another or one parent in common with another

2

: one related to another by common ties or interests

3

: a fellow member —used as a title for ministers in some evangelical denominations

4

: one of a type similar to another

Brotherhood, as defined by Merriam Webster,

1

: the quality or state of being brothers

2

: fellowship, alliance

Now, sure, there's two more definitions, but I'm not concerned with those. Google that shit up if that's what you're into. 

What really gets me with this is that the guys who feel strongly enough about one another to call themselves brothers are the ones who don't act like ass hats in public. Should we acknowledge someone as a brother, you sure as hell don't hear the word "bro." If you respect a man enough to consider him a brother, you don't cheapen that title. We know where we stand with one another. We know what it is to lean on someone for help, to depend on someone when shit goes south, to be able to call someone after a while and pick up like you left off yesterday.
It's these arrogant assholes that are trying to feed off of what true brotherhood is. They want it, because they can't find it. They're all too shallow to understand it. The true brotherhood is mocked because if not, we have something intangible that cannot be bought, reproduced or mass marketed.

So don't call me your bro.



I ain't buyin' the shit you're sellin'.

Beard Watch - Day 23

Before you, dear reader, berate me for neglecting a daily post; I apologize. Being in the middle of a move amongst other life duties I have been incredibly busy.



Starting to fill out. It itches uncontrollably. It smells sometimes. My face gets sweaty. I love it.

Who You Gonna Call??

Sony Pictures announced yesterday that Ghosbusters will be re-released to around 500 screens nationwide. The movie will play for a limited time on three thursdays in October. You can catch the orginal sultans of slime on Oct. 13, Oct. 20, and Oct. 27.

Speaking about the re-release Rory Bruer, Sony Pictures’ President of Worldwide Distribution, said in a statement: “As we head toward Halloween, we ain’t afraid of no ghosts, but just the same, we’re glad that everyone’s favorite paranormal eliminators are on the case.”

Get your proton packs and popcorn ready!!!

Locke and Key

In the last couple of years, I've gone back to my roots for entertainment. I've always been a sympathizer for comics. Big reason why I've loved the X-Men movies, Spiderman, and anything else from Marvel and DC.

With the eruption of awesome that is, The Walking Dead , I decided to dive back into the depths of awesome. The roots where most of our entertainment comes from;comics.

I was like Bambi on ice. I was scared being back in a comic shop. Everything changed in the last 15 years since I've been in one. The new shop was great. The employees were very helpful and not like previous experiences.

After a year (and lots of money) they talked me into starting a new series; Locke and Key.

It's written by Joe Hill; Stephen King's son. And might I say, just as good as his father.

The books focus around the Locke family. Tragedy force them back to the family homestead across the nation; Key House.

In the house, hidden deep are many different keys. Each key has a special power when matched up with the correct lock.

Only 4 books are available currently, but I highly recommend the hard backs for a collection keeper.

Along with any great read, it's followed up with either an animated or live action adaptation. Check out the trailer for Locke and Key!

Sadly, the show will never see the light of day. This is very unfortunate as it would have made a #1 hit. But coming from Fox, the network that canceled Family Guy AND Futurama, Locke and Key must be amazing. If Fox Network were a doctor, they would throw away the cure for the common cold as well as AIDs.

It's here!! It's Finally Here!!!!!

Don't forget everyone this weekend kicks off that special season when kegs are tapped and feast are had!! Oktoberfest starts tomorrow!! When those from Germany and all adopted Germans celebrate all things Deutschland!! That means the awesomeness that is good beer,brats, pretzels, and hot busty beer maids!! I wont be near any formal festivities but that wont keep me from celebrating none the less!!! So grab a brew and join in on the fun!


ZUM WHOL!!!!

Life Is All About Perspective

"A penny will hide the biggest star in the Universe if you hold it close enough to your eye". - Samuel Grafton

It's pretty easy to get down living in our modern society with all of its monotonous, soul draining, materialistic uncertainty. However sometimes it helps to put things into the larger perspective. If you truly take a moment to slow down and give your mind time to rest the bigger picture can come into view. I have been interested in the cosmos for quite sometime, I have spent countless hours meditating on the mysteries of existence, reveling in the discoveries of mankind. Wowed by the new frontiers being explored by men and women far more intelligent than myself. Be it understanding consciousness, quantum mechanics, parallel universes, the search for black holes, or the origins of the universe itself.

Throughout the years with the more I learn and the more questions I have one thing has come to amaze me more than any other. That in a universe as vast and seemingly unending as ours, one that is thought to have existed for fourteen billion years,on a young planet (4.5 billion years old) in a backwater Galaxy in a undistinguished area of space there lives a young species (2.5 million years old) that has the capabilities to look out on all of the wonders of nature and ask these questions at all. I think that is a most glorious happenstance. That perspective gives me a sliver of hope that there are other species just like us out there wondering the exact same questions and feeling the same things as we are here on earth.

So when shit here seems to be too deep look out to the stars and know that our problems as big as they may seem, are infintely small on the cosmic scale and that simply being conscience is a gift worth more than any other. And if that doesnt do the trick well thank god for alcohol!


Hubble Deep Field view of a small part of the universe (those spiral shapes are galaxies)

You're standing over there, you're standing over there, and I don't know which way is up

You know who doesn't get enough credit? Paul Rudd. I mean seriously, this man is a comic genius and I am certain would have made a better Doug than Justin Bartha in the "Hangover" series. Think about it? Why else is Doug such a small piece of the puzzle? Obviously because Paul Rudd isn't mind fucking the shit out of you with his dry humor and rapist wit. Finally after all these years I realize there is someone famous that reminds me of myself. Think of the roles Paul Rudd plays. He's successful, only if you compare him to his lazy ass best friend. He always looks at the glass as half empty, and why the fuck not, it leaves less of a chance for disappointment. Up until marriage my relationships were always a disaster (dock another point for Paul Rudd's characters), and who can honestly say you don't expect me to take a picture of this magnitude when I'm 35?

Honestly, stare into this photo. The arrogance of posing in Playgirlesque fashion, with less than Playgirl looks, yet with enough cock in his walk to stare at himself in his lady friends mirror and say "that's right world, eat your fucking heart out." The similarities are uncanny.

Even more of a similarity is that of the friends Paul Rudd's characters team up with. I like to make reference to one of my all-time Paul Rudd favorites "Role Models". In this movie Paul Rudd plays Danny, a salesman for the energy drink Minotaur which places him the motivational speaker role to students in area schools (yeah I totally see myself telling kids how to make something of themselves). Danny has a less than stellar day and finally has a mental breakdown. The result? The company truck dressed as a Minotaur driven directly up the highschool statues ass (right on Danny!) Because of this, Danny and his best friend Wheeler (Sean William Scott) must do 31 days of community service at a Boys and Girls Club knock off. In a nutshell Danny is a miserable goddamn and Wheeler is a sex-crazed Goddamn. The result one fucking funny movie.

After a nice text from one of my closest friends, I thought it was time for an uplifting post. And who doesn't have the best friend who wants to do the absolute minimum (eat, sleep, and have sex) in life?

Thank you Paul Rudd for making movies that relate to me, and most importantly making movies I can relate your characters buddies to.

Mid-Terms are the devil and "Hey Wheeler she's tasting your beast!"