Let me tell you a story.

So, I work for a rather large communication company at which I encounter many interesting folks. The following is an experience I had a few months back with one of these characters.

It was a slow day, meaning not a lot of customer traffic. An older gentleman about 60-65 came into the store and said he was having an issue with his smartphone. I asked what the issue was and he says he can't send pictures or video. 

Generally, people have their data turned off or some setting that needs to be adjusted. In this case, he had his data turned off. I handed it back to him and asked him to try it again... And here is where it gets good.

He pulls up his photo gallery and clicks on the item he was trying to send. A video, with the volume all the way up begins to play. Now, I'm not sure what was happening in the video as I couldn't see it but, I have a couple of theories... 

The video begins to playing and I hear a man's voice. I recognize it as this man as I have been speaking with him. In the video, he is moaning let's say... Sensually. Accompanying the moaning is very heavey breathing. A co-worker of mine who has been nearby hears this and nearly loses it. He walks into the back trying and failing to stifle his laughter. I imagine the look on my face was pretty good as I had to attempt to keep my cool but, the look on this dude's face as he realized what he had done was absolutely perfect. This guy had just filled the store with the sounds of himself rubbing one out.

I say again, this dude played a video of him pulling on himself!

In a panic he quickly thanked me for my help and exited the store...

WHO WAS HE SENDING THAT TO!?

How I'm feeling on 4/20

Happy 4/20!

Serious: I'm not going to be preachy, I promise. I just wanted to remind you that it doesn't matter if you smoke marijuana or not: if you're not for the legalization of marijuana you should re-think your position. Learn some facts, be aware...you know, that kind of stuff. (If nothing else, it will lower taxes and help the economy!) 

Personal: I never thought I would be passing to the left. It never appealed to me and until I was 18 (and not doing well) I thought that all of the stereotypical things about marijuana were true. But it pretty much came around and saved my life and definitely my sanity. If you know me, you know that story. If not, you'll just have to take my word for it. I owe a lot to marijuana and I am not ashamed of that. It has a time and a place in my life like so many other things. This really describes it best for me: "Cannabis brings us an awareness that we spend a lifetime being trained to overlook and forget and put out of our minds." (Carl Sagan) 

Silly: http://i.imgur.com/xaNzA.gif  

If you are partaking today, be safe. 

Why the End of Days is Really Coming

"To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead."-Thomas Paine

   As I said before, I'm home almost constantly. Maybe it's all the time to dwell that is making me such a cynic. I read, listen and watch so much. It's rare I go a few days without watching a documentary and reading more news/blogs/opinion pieces than most do in a month (I don't have cable/satellite and really don't want it back), and when I am out of my house it makes me much more tuned in to what people are saying about EVERYTHING. 2012 is already very quickly rolling by and I never dreamed that I would feel this terrible about my country, its future, religion, religious people and the mindset of most "average" citizens. When I used to think about the future I'd think about all the improvements that would be made to my world; medical, technological, working conditions, peoples attitudes...all these wonderful things that man can create and well, you get the picture. Positive things.
   My patience, tolerance, heart and will to wait things out that I can not change used to be based in faith that was religious. Now it is just based in meditative breaths and lungs full of smoke. I'm not saying that I don't believe in something higher, something amazing that created this world because I feel something inside myself telling me that there is. I have never been a fan by any means of structured religion, churches and the like...not even when I was little. I remember being 8 or so, my grandmother telling me I needed to change my attitude about going to church on Sunday's with her or else Jesus would be mad and wouldn't love me...and I remember already thinking that Jesus sounded less likely than Santa. It just didn't make sense. It still doesn't. God is the one damning us but sending Jesus to save us and take us to Heaven where God is...but...wait. What?
   I won't go as far on a small level to say that religion is bad for most people, I have a lot of love in my heart for a lot of people who truly believe and live by some form of Christianity but there are still times that I can't fathom that their common sense lacks long enough for some sentences to leave their mouths. Or I can't believe how ashamed they are or how much shame they associate with really stupid things. But they're alright, they are some of the few that aren't hurting anyone but only because they have no real power.
   The people who are leading my nation and along with it, the whole world, in the wrong direction are the ones that truly disgust me and make me want to distrust anyone who effects the lives of others that live on the basis of religion. Yes, everyone effects someone...but you can get out of the room from ignorant family, friends, etc... the powers I am concerned with you cannot exactly run away from. If you are no one without Jesus, I will never say anything out of the way to you but I will always feel sorry for you (the same way you'll feel sorry for me, shame me or hate me after you read this piece). But it is what it is with you and I, the real problem is that politicians and the media that effect our livelihood aren't living up to what this nation was founded on. SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE. You want to believe that elves, angels, gods, warlocks, Jesus or Elvis have a path for you and that their word is gold even if it's as bizarre, hand picked by man and loosely put together as the Bible? That's fine by me, stay on your knees all day and pray away everything bad in this world...show me that it's working. Or just keep trying, take up all your time and stay the fuck away from my government because you are poison. How many diseases left to God with no interference with medicine are cured? How many people have food, lives, better existences because of your prayer? Don't blame all that's bad on man and praise all that's good as "Gods will". Man isn't just creating the problems, we are also creating the answers and doing very good things. And not all people are good because of  God, you can continue to do things in the name of God, I will continue to do things because I know that they are right and humane. If the human element was more important than religion then the world would be a much better place.
   This is all unfortunately necessary for me to get off my chest to get on to things that are relevant. When religion isn't separate from government and is taking away more of my personal freedoms because of beliefs that I, along with many others do not share and have no right to be imposed upon us, then I have a really big problem that I have to be loud about. Have we forgot the entire origin of this country and its government, are we doing that bad of a job teaching history? Does it not feel like it's an important thing to grasp, that we are a nation that even exists because our ancestors were tired of religious persecution? You may not see what's going on as religious persecution, but in the big picture, it is. We are looking at politicians who think that because we want to have control over what happens to us that we are disgusting, out of control, mindless idiots because we are  "interfering with God and his plans". I do not need someone to save me from myself. Not a God and sure as hell not another fleshy bag of ideas who puts their pants on the same way that I do. No one should have a say as to what I put in my body or do with my body.      Vaccinations, birth control, abortions...all of those things should be available, legal, safe and none of anyone else's business. I don't know how to go about changing the direction of politics in my country, no vote seems  like it could bring any kind of positive change but I also can't stand sitting quietly and waiting this out. Religion is the biggest problem in politics, since we as humans are so advanced why can we not have respect and separate and understand that our beliefs aren't good for all? Religion has nothing to do with our failing economy or our perishing world, can we please just focus on those things, rely on man and make our world a place worth living in?

The Devil's In The Details

Recently there has been quite the dust up in the national media regarding religious liberty and the separation of church and state. This most recent uproar started when religious employers, headed by the Catholic Church, balked at the Obama administration's policies requiring them to provide contraceptives to employees. They argued that their religious liberties were being infringed upon because the requirement was directly opposed to dogma of the Catholic Church regarding contraceptives. Despite the fact that 98% of Catholic women had admitted to using contraceptives and that many, if not most, of their employees do not practice Catholicism. The Obama administration then offered a compromise that religious employers would not have to offer free contraceptive to their employees, like every other employer in the nation that offers insurance plans to their employees. This should have been the end of the discussion, the Church had been accommodated and the rest of the world kept on ticking as usual, right? Unfortunately once Pandora's Box, especially on a wedge issue, has been opened in an election year it is extremely difficult to close.

Enter conservative talking heads and presidential candidates using the "controversy" as a platform form to attack the Obama administration and appeal to the base of their party. Mitt Romney at the most recent debate in Arizona quipped, "I don't think we've seen in the history of this country the kind of attack on religious conscience, religious freedom, religious tolerance that we've seen under Barack Obama". Newt Gingrich decried, “The Obama administration has declared war on religion". Not to be out done by his counter parts, Rick Santorum the pied piper of the party on the issue, used the moment to appeal to the evangelicals of the GOP and tout his views on the issue. One he had been outspoken on since spoke to students at Ava Marie University in 2008 where he commented, "This is not a political war at all. This is not a cultural war. This is a spiritual war,” Santorum warned the campus. “And the Father of Lies [Satan] has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country—the United States of America.” Recently in Ohio he stated, that Obama and other Democrats follow, "some phony theology, not a theology based on the Bible," However these pail in comparison to his most recent comments. Santorum when asked by ABC news about how his views contradicted with the last Catholic to hold the office of President, John F. Kennedy’s, stated "“I don’t believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute.", he continued, "The idea that the church can have no influence or no involvement in the operation of the state is absolutely antithetical to the objectives and vision of our country, this is the First Amendment. The First Amendment says the free exercise of religion.” These remarks were offered in response to the views expressed by then candidate Kennedy who stated in a speech in 1960, after the public had questioned whether his loyalties would be to America or the Pope, said "I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute, where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom to vote. Where no church or church school is granted any public funds or political preference; and where no man is denied public office merely because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the people who might elect him." Rick Santorum said that he had read those comments before and that he, "almost threw up" upon reading them.

Here we see the problem with Santorum's and the evangelical’s logic in their own words. They argue that there is a war on religion, they argue that their rights are being infringed upon by the “evil secular left”; they argue that the founders based this nation on Christian principles. However if one looks closely, you can see that their issue is not that at all, but rather in reality their upset because their religion is not given precedent and a special place in policy matters over the rest. How can those who claim to be a victim of a war on religion, on one hand say on the other, “I don’t believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute."? Unfortunately for them the devil is in the details, our founders understood that a free society is one where no religious institution holds a higher place in the pantheon of government than any other. They ensured through the establishment clause that anyone in this country is free to practice whatever religion they would like, that they were also free to not practice any religion at all. That is religious freedom, and the founders understood that. Rick Santorum and those in the GOP that share his view would have us follow their religion and have our national decisions be made based on the paradigm of that religion. That is not religious freedom in the least, it is theocracy veiled in doublespeak and talking points. I prefer to live in a society, like the one envisioned by the brave men and women who forged this country, where anyone is free to practice whatever they wish and where the government is free to do its business without a specific dogma. If Santorum and his supporters truly don't believe in an America "where the separation of church and state is absolute.”, I hear Iran is very nice this time of year.

*Originally posted on Inconvenient Reason

Cost of Living is High

When was the last time any of us have cracked our knuckles, fired up the ole' porn box, went to a travel site, and planned out a trip? Then, packed enough stuff for a week, found baby sitters for pets, kids, homes, and loaded up a vehicle or caught a cab to the airport and left our worries behind for a few days; well, when?

How about this, opposed to going to Walmart or Kroger to get groceries, we spend twice as much to get food that's good for you at a place like a farmer's market?
The point I'm making, is most of us make sacrifices. We can't run to the beach with beers in hand neglecting our responsibilities like we once did. Most of us are working to live. The simple cost of living has made the increase to pulverized the dream of yearly vacations, new cars, large homes, and other quality items for the majority of us.
College students reading this may scoff, and claim, 'I'll have a good job broke ass because I have a degree!'
That's nice. But I do too. I also have the experience employers want. But there's also something I want that employers don't offer like they once did; pay. Having a title and corner office is nice, but of you're making half as much as a person in a factory, not worth it.
Now I understand why people have coupon books and carry them into stores like a messiah. Automatic doors parting like a great sea, natural light piercing the eyes of the greeters of the store. All the while releasing the aroma of fresh air and sounds of the outside world.
My mother use to tell me the story of the ant and the grasshopper as a child. The grasshopper spent his summer days having fun, jumping, playing and ridiculing the ant. Why ridicule? Because the ant foraged and saved his food. Spending all his time working for the winter. When that time came the grasshopper was left in the cold with nothing. The story ends with the ant feeling pity. But the way it should end is the grasshopper freezing to death. Can only support one ya' jackass.
This may have been more o a poor man's rant but there's really nothing we can do when our opinion isn't even being heard by the people that can change these hardships.

Men, what happened?

I've worked with the public for a number of years now. During that time, a disturbing trend has made itself apparent to me. Men have become increasingly passive and a down right embarrassment to themselves. It seems the expectations for modern men have shifted towards a very romantic view. I don't mean romantic in that old paperback your mom used to read, I mean some idealized version of a modern man who is a combination of every stereotype found in Nicholas Sparks novel and/or Cosmo magazine.

Every day I work, I see men mumble, slouch away, and in most cases leave everything to their significant other. They cannot seem to handle money, place a simple order or even say it loud enough without repeating it. Men act more like children with their mothers than the rulers of their own domain. This leads me to a question. What happened? What happened along the way that has lead men to believe they should behave this way? How is desirable behavior? It seems as though a definitive answer can never be found.

My point is simple - men, act like a man. Be confident. Take charge. Decide what movie the two of you are going to see. Pick where to have dinner. Act like you give a shit, and you may be surprised when you get home -wink wink-.

          Be more like this guy.


  Or be cool like this dude.

   And just a bit like this gentleman.

The comic code should be ashamed of itself.

Do you know what the comic code is?

Well back in the 60's comic book writers were required to stick to something called "The Comic Code". Which was basically just a bunch of things you couldnt say or draw. These days, the code isnt nearly as strict as it used to be. There are horror comics and adult (not porn Luckyman, calm down) comics published by the likes of VERTIGO and IRONHORSE, which in my opinion are producing some of the best ongoing series' right now.

Anyway I was looking through some of my old books recently and I had a pretty decent laugh reading through some of the dialogue in these things. There is tons of awesome quotes that would be considered hilarious and dirty now. Its not that the writers were stupid by any means its that the context we would read this stuff in wasnt social norm back in the day.

Today, pretty much anything is allowed. However Marvel and DC have created additional brands under which more contreversial books are published. Its under VERTIGO that you will find your "Walking Dead" and "Preacher". The big two still like to be as family friendly as possible which is great. Kids should read comics. But, some of the funniest old school jokes are the ones that weren't meant to be jokes at all, and the majority of them were done by Marvel and DC, who were were strictest about the code! These are some of the best ones I've found..

Welcome

Welcome the newest member of the Hilton family, Skippy:

Skippy flew in on a plane from Missouri (yes you can freight dogs), and was welcomed into casa de' Hilton a week ago. Since settling in he has managed to hump once, piss on Chadles couch 4 times, our couch once, the floor multiple times, and some how hinge his under bite of an upper and lower jaw in his cage door. Yes this is Skippy, a Brussels Griffon that many of you may remember starring next to Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets". They say puppies are harder to raise than babies, so we will see how it goes. This is my first posts in I would say four months and why not start it with a new addition. I am sure Mr. Skippy will be involved in a number of tales throughout the Goon Squad blog space, but for now I leave you with a stupid little dog wearing a stupid little hat.

Please don't be long...please don't you be very long, cause I may be asleep...

My fellow Goons... we've almost let February slip away without one single post! We had Valentine's Day to piss on or kiss on, we had President's Day in a land where we're in a horrible political situation and we've had about 18 other days so far that we've been quiet on. We are not a quiet group! Not one of us! I'm rallying you, calling you out...even if we're not entertaining anyone but ourselves, it is time to revive the Squad! I miss reading everyone else's posts and I really miss posting about all the nothingness in my brain. So, take off the damn invisibility cloaks and put down your beers...and blog you assholes! 

I'm not dead god dammit!

Hi. My name is Jables and I fell off the planet... I managed to fashion myself a ladder made of my chest hair and the elastic from my boxers... Which is a long fucking process by the way but, Im back so listen up.

Theres some major stuff going on with me these days. In the wake of Raddles' and Addie's miracle (congratulations by the way, love you guys), the wife and I are preparing to welcome a baby girl to the world soon so, Ive been pretty busy with that. Major life changes ahead my friends... Though, im not worried, or scared or overwhelmed. Im just ready.

Its time to grow up now. Which im doing...

Kind of...

But not really...

All Im saying is Im still here. Summer is too. Nothing has changed, I haven't forgotten who I am where I came from. Or who has been, is there and will be there for me/us... Im just taking a step in what I think is the right direction. I've grown up a bit, which is fine... People do that but, I feel like I've been neglecting some shit... Some people. I know that everybody understands. But I just wanted to make it clear that I'm still fucking here, so are you. So, even though I've been crazy busy, Im still BPC fucking Jables and I want to make it clear that I still wanna hear from everyone and I still wanna know whats going the fuck on with you and god dammit I still wanna drink a beer (or like 19 or 20) with ya...

Also, poop, farts, dicks, and Chad's face are still funny so feel free to make terrible jokes about that shit. And, seriously I'll be posting every Sunday from now on... And, I promise they'll be better than this one.

adios,

Jables