If you are a reader on the East Coast, good chances were you felt a nice little shake around 1:53 PM yesterday afternoon. I for one, was lucky enough to experience my first so-called "Earthquake". Now let's be honest here, Earthquakes more so than any natural disaster proves we are the bastard children of GOD and Mother Nature is our evil mother ready to keep our asses in check whenever she deems necessary. The sheer force behind an earthquake, the unpredictability, its exciting. But then again, I am a little bit nutty. Now much of the East Coasters who felt a shake or two (even those at the epicenter), experienced what was considered a "mild" quake. Evidently there is a Geologist out there, without boring you with geology terms basically said the East Coast is older, cooler, and quakes nowhere near as deep, so fret not friends, we should be in the clear.
What I can't quite get out of my head those is the photos and videos posted all over the web regarding first-hand experiences of those who experienced the quake, particularly those in Washington D.C. and New York City. These people were absolutely frantic. I am talking bat shit crazy. Listen, I know they are all particularly sensitive since the events of 9/11, and yes that was a tragic event and we as Americans were changed forever, but you know what, Hitler persecuted over 1 million Jews and you don't see them hiding in the shadows doing bookie deals in alleys. People were in the streets, frantic, crying, sobbing, and please feel free to add any adjective you feel necessary. Seriously people what the fuck are you on? I would just like to take the time to say thank you Washington D.C. you have now proven to China our balls are the size of peas and an invasion can be had by a mass release of rats in the streets, or dozens of cheap vibrating beds placed in basements throughout the city?
I mean seriously when did America go from the dashing young man above to such frenzied pansies found at the following link: http://media.katu.com/images/110823_dc_quake_main.jpg
Now I don't know about you but this bitch is one of the first to go in a Zombie Apocalypse. As a matter of fact every major city in the United States will fall, within days if not hours. I for one am proud of my small Eastern Kentucky heritage because even though I did everything I could to get out, when the Zombie Apocalypse does happen, I am running back to Mother Mountain's fresh vegetation and natural protection of terrain. Whilst everyone turns to walkers, us mountain folk will be fortifying our home front, drinking moonshine, and managing to live without power and television because hey, many of us grew up without it. The extra long winters from nuclear fall out will be a welcome change.
That's right folks I am giving you a first-hand look at exactly where you need to go in the event of the Zombie War, and that's Floyd FUCKING County, more precisely Prestonsburg, KY.......the star city of Eastern KY. Let me provide a link from wikipedia.
As you can see from any map the majority of Prestonsburg is surrounded by a river. Three blown bridges and you have closed all but two access points to town. The remaining two can be easily fortified and guarded with people along with a mountain to one side and river to the next. Directly behind the town is both a lake and a golf course (easily used for crops, fuck golf. Oh yeah, thanks Mountain Top Mining). But let's not forget the copious amounts of drugs running rampant to take the edge of the Zombie War, we make our own booze, and we have animals like deer and elk and shit. So if you are out there hunters, please head this direction.
Now a few things to keep in mind, I am all for inviting people to my home fortress but realize you will serve a purpose or find yourself bait on the other side of the river.
1) Bitches are welcome, but only for sexual purposes, fuck pro-creation. I will have a hard enough time feeding myself.
2) Hunters are a plus, the more accurate with a bow the better, oh yeah bring your fisherman buddies I am a lazy fuck.
3) 3-5 town drunks, hey we need comedy.
4) People with carpentry skills. We may not have a/c but nothing says I should get rained on.
5) People that can tend to crops for food and um, medicinal purposes
6) At least two doctors, preferably pro-choice
7) The man who invented October fest.(obviously)
8) No elderly, they smell already and we will eventually run out of soap.
As you can see those are the major requirements, I am sure there is more but I've been up since 3:30 this morning and I can't focus on this blog much longer. Keep and mine once we exceed an unestablished number, I will turn you away, unless your lady friend has a nice rack, then I will allow you both to pass, then send you back to the wolves.
So again, thank you New York, Boston, D.C. , Baltimore, and that random NFL rookie who ran off screen and made the most boring video currently on the Internet (Check Yahoo I am now too lazy to link things), for showing the rest of the world not only are we financial morons, but fucking pussies.
But most importantly, thank you for proving to our readers My Zombie Apocalypse rescue plan is sheer genius and please, for the love of Christ, let's all aspire to be the shirtless bad asses of our ancestors.
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