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Christmas 2011 is winding down, and I have to admit, it turned out to be much more enjoyable than I thought it would 26 hours ago. How sad is it that the high point of this bitter December has been the fact that one day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be?

A lot has changed since I last posted here on the Goon Squad. I don't really want to try and cover all of that business here, but there is one thing in particular that I am going to share, primarily because I feel the need to vent a little. Kinda fucked that I am using this normally happy place to air dark, brooding thoughts. A little disclaimer before I get rolling here, though: I hate when I visit blogs and read this kind of garbage, but tonight...I just don't give a damn.

I've been single now for a little over six years. That little fact has never really spent much time in the fore of my thoughts, but over the past couple of months, it's settled itself there like a leech. I don't like having to acknowledge this, but now it consumes most of my thoughts, and let me tell you: as a 27 year old man, it's particularly brutal. Looking back over those six years and really analyzing them, I realized that this whole ordeal boils down to one simple thing.

I have always wanted something that I cannot have.

There has been plenty of options over the years, but I always turned them down in pursuit of the ones that I knew were never going to work out. This realization was like hitting a brick wall while going Mach dammit, and brothers and sisters, let me just tell you, it hurt. What hurt even worse, though, was when I realized that I'm pretty sure that I'm depressed. Another disclaimer, before I continue: I've always felt that depression is a bullshit diagnosis. Life is just never that shitty. Having said that, allow me to continue.

Depression has nothing to do with being sad. Hell, I'm a fairly happy person about 90% of the time. No, it is another beast entirely. Depression is, simply put, a vast emptiness. This realization began creeping in around 1:30 AM Christmas Eve morning, and really settled in for the long haul about 4:00 PM that same day. There were numerous factors that got the ball rolling on this, and for the sake of not coming off too much like an emo bitch (granted, I already do with EVERYTHING I've said up to this point) I am not going to discuss any of them except for one: fucking Facebook.

I've contemplated deactivating my Facebook account for awhile, but always managed to talk myself out of it...but no, the time has come. It was while checking it during that period that I decided that I had had enough. There were just too many statuses and pictures full of a Christmas cheer that I haven't felt in half a decade, and I absolutely DO NOT begrudge a single person that happiness. In fact, I'm glad to see it. But I can't deal with it...not right now. It just served to emphasize that emptiness on my part.

Not being a part of Facebook for a little over two hours now has actually been kinda nice. I don't find myself randomly checking it just because I can. It's almost as if an obstacle has been removed from my life. And hell, it'll be there whenever I want to give in and rejoin, if I decide to go that route.

I'm sorry for this lousy post, everyone. I really shouldn't even post it, but I feel like not doing it would make the past hour of my life a complete total waste, so fuck it. I do hope that you all had a Merry Christmas, and that the New Year is an awesome one. Be safe this coming week as the celebratory mood heightens, and hopefully my next dance on here won't be such a downer.