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Christmas 2011 is winding down, and I have to admit, it turned out to be much more enjoyable than I thought it would 26 hours ago. How sad is it that the high point of this bitter December has been the fact that one day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be?

A lot has changed since I last posted here on the Goon Squad. I don't really want to try and cover all of that business here, but there is one thing in particular that I am going to share, primarily because I feel the need to vent a little. Kinda fucked that I am using this normally happy place to air dark, brooding thoughts. A little disclaimer before I get rolling here, though: I hate when I visit blogs and read this kind of garbage, but tonight...I just don't give a damn.

I've been single now for a little over six years. That little fact has never really spent much time in the fore of my thoughts, but over the past couple of months, it's settled itself there like a leech. I don't like having to acknowledge this, but now it consumes most of my thoughts, and let me tell you: as a 27 year old man, it's particularly brutal. Looking back over those six years and really analyzing them, I realized that this whole ordeal boils down to one simple thing.

I have always wanted something that I cannot have.

There has been plenty of options over the years, but I always turned them down in pursuit of the ones that I knew were never going to work out. This realization was like hitting a brick wall while going Mach dammit, and brothers and sisters, let me just tell you, it hurt. What hurt even worse, though, was when I realized that I'm pretty sure that I'm depressed. Another disclaimer, before I continue: I've always felt that depression is a bullshit diagnosis. Life is just never that shitty. Having said that, allow me to continue.

Depression has nothing to do with being sad. Hell, I'm a fairly happy person about 90% of the time. No, it is another beast entirely. Depression is, simply put, a vast emptiness. This realization began creeping in around 1:30 AM Christmas Eve morning, and really settled in for the long haul about 4:00 PM that same day. There were numerous factors that got the ball rolling on this, and for the sake of not coming off too much like an emo bitch (granted, I already do with EVERYTHING I've said up to this point) I am not going to discuss any of them except for one: fucking Facebook.

I've contemplated deactivating my Facebook account for awhile, but always managed to talk myself out of it...but no, the time has come. It was while checking it during that period that I decided that I had had enough. There were just too many statuses and pictures full of a Christmas cheer that I haven't felt in half a decade, and I absolutely DO NOT begrudge a single person that happiness. In fact, I'm glad to see it. But I can't deal with it...not right now. It just served to emphasize that emptiness on my part.

Not being a part of Facebook for a little over two hours now has actually been kinda nice. I don't find myself randomly checking it just because I can. It's almost as if an obstacle has been removed from my life. And hell, it'll be there whenever I want to give in and rejoin, if I decide to go that route.

I'm sorry for this lousy post, everyone. I really shouldn't even post it, but I feel like not doing it would make the past hour of my life a complete total waste, so fuck it. I do hope that you all had a Merry Christmas, and that the New Year is an awesome one. Be safe this coming week as the celebratory mood heightens, and hopefully my next dance on here won't be such a downer.

It's that time of year

to get that special someone a great gift. This is what i'm getting the rest of the Goons.

Childish Gambino - Bonfire

Big Brother Comes Home for The Holidays

If your reading this right now then you obviously have access to the internet be it through whatever device a smart phone, laptop, etc. And if you’re any thing like me you spend a great deal of time online, in fact the average American now spends an average of thirteen hours per week online. To give you some perspective that is the same amount of time we spend watching television.

Beginning in the mid nineteen nineties the internet started to become an economic boon in the United States, the geniuses of Silicon Valley had came up with an entirely new realm of business opportunities. As the internet has became common place in American life, the profits online business are able to bring in have skyrocketed, the U.S. commerce department has reported that Americans spent an astonishing $165.4 billion online in 2010. That is a major slice of the economy, the new automobile market in the U.S. accounts for $141.5 billion.

There is no denying the internet as an economic force and that its share of the market is here to stay. However there are many internet users, myself include, that see the internet as something more than just a way to make a profit. Many people see it as beacon for free speech, individualism, and creativity, a market place of ideas one that allows the world to interact on a scale never seen in the history of mankind. Yes it has its flaws from email scams, malware, and pedophile predators to the depraved dregs of comment sections. But nowhere else can one so freely traverse through a plethora of content, be it an obscure sexual fetish (for more on the topic see Lucky_Man) one minute to a thesis on quantum mechanics the next. The world is now literally at your fingertips, but recently that access to information has come under threat.

Just in time for the holidays our good friends in Washington on Thursday , hearing the cries for help from some of Americas largest media firms, (you know the same people who cashed in on a share of that record $165 billion) claiming that their copyrights and profits are being unjustly infringed upon by internet piracy. Have introduced two shiny new gift wrapped bills one in the house along with one in the senate, the House Stop Online Piracy Act and the Senate Protect Intellectual Property Act. These bills and their amendments would expand the ability of law enforcement and copyright holders to shut down any site that host pirated content, which either advertently or inadvertently accounts for a huge swath of the content available online. Civil liberty groups, engineers, and many of the largest internet entities (Google, Facebook, and Wikipedia) have come out against the bills citing reasons from censorship and privacy down to engineering and technical issues. Google founder Sergey Brin opined on Google+ Thursday “Imagine my astonishment when the newest threat to free speech has come from none other but the United States. Two bills currently making their way through congress -- SOPA and PIPA -- give the U.S. government and copyright holders extraordinary powers including the ability to hijack DNS and censor search results (and this is even without so much as a proper court trial),” Brin wrote. “While I support their goal of reducing copyright infringement (which I don't believe these acts would accomplish), I am shocked that our lawmakers would contemplate such measures that would put us on a par with the most oppressive nations in the world.”

I happen to agree with him; in my opinion these bills are another step in the continued corporate and government takeover of the individual and our rights. There is a reason the founders opened the bill of rights with the freedom of speech, it is one the most important rights we have, allowing us to be able to express ourselves and be heard while hearing the expressions of others. Freedom of speech is essential to democracy; it combined with a reasonable expectation of privacy make our society a better place. These bills however will accomplish quite the opposite. All you have to do is look to Iran, China, and their like to see what censorship and the prying eyes of government can do to a society. If you share these sentiments take to the web, write your representatives, and sign one of the many online petitions making their way to Washington. I think our first President and hero of the Revolution said it best “If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter”, I know I am not a fucking sheep, are you?

S'been a long time...

Sorry to anyone who keeps up with us. I can't speak for the rest of these Goons, but the Mrs and I have had our hands full of our new lil guy. He showed up on Halloween, and everyone is great. Between taking care of Elijah and Mom, had to hit it hard at school and work. Don't let anyone tell ya bringing baby home is easy or not too bad. Shit is work, son. But then you see this

                                                                              and ya knida forget about being up every 2 hours. Dude had been 2 years in the making. Already a stellar dude and cool cat.

It's our duty

Jesus I have fucking neglected this site but that all has changed starting today folks. New times, new beginnings and for me a new ID (no more WV inbred bs).
But seriously, and in all honesty this may be one of the few times I ever sound like a PR announcement.

Go VOTE! It's your duty.

ZOOL!!!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

The Inevitable Return of the Great White Dope

It seemed such a simple task, thirteen days ago: one movie a day, every day, through Halloween.

I made the initial deadline with a review of a horrible little gem of filth titled Exorcismus; I find it strange that the worst film I have ever forced myself to witness was enough to keep me away from Netflix for two weeks. It put me into such a God awful funk that every time I would begin to watch a movie, I would spend the entire time nitpicking all of the little things that make a horror movie, well...horror. These films are supposed to have an inherent corniness to them, yet Exorcismus had such a profound effect on me, that I couldn't help but hate that exact aspect of them. This, doubled with an enhanced workload and a brutal fight with illness, kept me away from the Goon Squad.

I am back from the dead, however: this past Sunday marked the glorious return of the AMC original series The Walking Dead, as well as the onset of AMC's Fear Fest (possibly the best two weeks of programming any station offers during the year). With hopes high, I returned to Netflix Tuesday night with my first viewing of Kevin Smith's Red State (2011).

Alongside the Rev, I have followed this movie since it was first whispered that Smith would be delving into the fantastic world of horror. When it became clear that he would be tackling this project with such a novel release strategy, I became somewhat obsessed with what the outcome would be. I even attempted, back in May, to host one of the special screenings that Smith was offering, but understandable concerns prevented anything from coming to fruition.

Even though I have had numerous opportunities before Tuesday to watch it, I hadn't. It was worth the wait, however: Red State was ridiculously intense. Rarely do I find myself so anxious to immediately re-watch a movie, but Red State had me wanting more. If I have any complaint, it is that the film is nowhere near long enough; it easily could have gone on for another hour. James Parks' Mordechai was, simply put, one of the very talented actors finest roles; he attacked it with a severity that few are capable of. I could have listened to his religious rant for hours.

The gist of the film is simple enough, for those not aware of Red State: a trio of teens head to the town of Cooper's Dell for a random sex hook-up. Things take a turn for the strange, though, when the boys find themselves prisoners of the Five Point Church (fleeting thoughts of another, much more real cult, ahem, church), led by Mordechai. After the local sheriff gets involved, the ATF join the fray (allusions to other actual events from the past 30 years).

Besides James Parks, Red State also stars Kyle Gallner, Stephen Root, and John Goodman. I HIGHLY recommend that everyone watch this film. Kevin Smith has made something truly special here; I couldn't help, when talking to a friend the next day, mentioning that I think this is kind of Smith's American History X. In no way does it promote the kind of extremism that the Five Point Church utilizes, but it gives you a view of what that same extremism is capable of leading to.

Later tonight, I will be posting my review of the 1999 Japanese horror film, Audition, a movie that Eli Roth, Rob Zombie, and John Landis all said was hard to watch for it's graphic scenes of torture. Here's looking forward to tonight!

Appalachian Nation: We're All In This Thing Together

Read any news headline and it is fairly obvious that we are living in turbulent times right now in these United States of America. From high unemployment, two wars in the Middle East, civil unrest, climate change, and unchecked corporate greed the picture for the future looks grim.

It seems that the country has become divided now more than anytime since the Civil War. Conservative and Liberal talking heads take to the airwaves on a daily basis in a unending war of vitriol. Congress has become so mired in partisan politics it can do nothing to improve the state of the country. America is falling behind the rest of the world at alarming rates in areas of extreme importance. An overwhelming majority of Americans believe the nation is headed in the wrong direction. The question then becomes how do we get back on the right course, how do we change direction for the good of all citizens?

In order to answer this question one has to look at what has brought us to this point. In my opinion it is politics of division and distraction. Ancient military genius Sun Tzu speaks of the strategy of divide and conquer in his seminal work the Art of War. It appears that those who are in charge of this country are well aware of the effectiveness of this tactic. Our national dialogue has degraded from one of unity spelled out very clearly in our nations name the UNITED States of American into one of us v. them. Our nation has become something resembling the rivalry between the University of Kentucky and the University of Louisville on steroids, Red v. Blue, Democrat v. Republican, and Liberal v. Conservative.

This has created an environment of disengagement from the political process intended by our founding fathers, who adopted the motto E. Pluribus Unum (Out of many, one) adopted by an act of congress in 1782. These methods of division and distraction have allowed for our nation to be high jacked by special interest groups, multi-national corporations, and the richest 1%. While the middle class and working poor bicker and argue over conservative this, liberal that. The aforementioned interest have seized control of the power, they release talking point after talking point paraded out by their "political strategist" to fan the flames of division. Keeping the American public distracted. This was never more evident than in the recent ruling by the United States Supreme Court (USSC) in the case Citizens United (don’t be fooled by the title) v. Federal Election Commission. This ruling opened the door for an unprecedented flood of money into our political system. Essential driving home the final stage in the take over of our system by the wealthy and corporations alike set in movement way back in 1886 in the USSC case Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad. Now these special interest groups can push there agenda in anyway they see fit by playing to the greed and corruption of those in office.

Here is the kicker though it doesn’t have to be this way and we don’t have to stand by idly. Our founding fathers gave us a way out, it is called the constitution. The first amendment gives us the right to free speech and assembly. We were provided with voting rights in order overhaul our system as we see fit. We just have to exercise these rights. We have to wake up and move past the politics of distraction and division that those who seek to control and monopolize this country have used to take us to where we are today.

You see it is simple; we are all in this thing together. Not conservative v. liberal, red v. blue, rich v. poor. No matter our difference of opinions we all live as free men and women under one banner that of Americans. We can work together like we have in the past to move our country into a better future for all of our nation’s citizens rather than the benefit of the few. We can demand better but it won’t be possible without first setting aside what tears us apart and focusing on what brings us together. The motto of our great Commonwealth of Kentucky is quite fitting given the state of the union today. UNITED WE STAND, DIVIDED WE FALL.

Night I: What happened to exorcism movies?

Starring pop legend Kei$ha!

Not really...but I can't help but wonder if this would have been more watchable if it did.

My intention was to kick this off with "Horde", but due to some technical difficulties, it has been delayed to a later installment. Anywho, I've decided to kick things off tonight with this little piece of vile garbage, "Exorcismus".

Honestly, I entered into this movie with slightly heightened expectations due to the presence of Pinhead himself, Doug Bradley. I thought to myself that any movie featuring the lead Cenobite himself as a priest faced with a case of possession would be worth two hours of my life, but I was horribly mistaken. Exorcismus starts off a jumbled mess: shitty editing leaves one wondering what exactly is going on, and if you aren't careful, you will quickly find yourself wondering "what the holy fuck have I stumbled into?! What blithering bat-shit fuck-crazy chicanery is THIS?" After fumbling right out of the gate, at no point does this travesty find it's pacing (not that it is ever given the chance to).

Heading into the third act, which in a movie dealing with exorcism tends to be the strongest part of the film, there was still no sign of Mr. Bradley. With less than a fifth of the movie left, however, he finally staggers into the production like Jack Sullivan entering the 72nd round: Doug obviously had fun with the role, but seems a slight bit confused the entire time as to why he is even in the picture. ANYONE could have been used in his place, and the budget of this film would probably have been reduced by three-quarters.

I am a little disappointed in myself right now; I really wanted to kick things off with a bang, but this movie put me in a funk that I have yet to recover from. I am disheartened that the exorcism genre has fallen to such lows, especially when some of the greatest horror movies of all time can be found in it's hallowed territory. Hopefully tomorrow's movie, "Cronos", will more than make up for this abortion and restore my faith in the genre. I have witnessed too much crap calling itself horror these past few weeks, and am in serious need of some quality scares.

Why, Japan, why?

I can not understand a number of social norms in other countries; I just accept them for being different. America is viewed the same way, whether it be our politics, religion or hell, even the foods we eat. Of all the countries, I believe Japan to makes me scream "why" more than anything else.

Take for example, their idea of porn. Fetishes will always be taboo, but what's with the tentacle stuff? Innocent little girl just chilling in her room, all safe, then - NOPE! Tentacles! It's not even consensual, either. It's as if the kraken grew tired of terrorizing the sea and decided violating little Misyo's orifices with freaking tentacles needs to be done.

On the topic of sex, let's focus on Japan's man to woman ratio. Apparently, due to some jacked up social law and restricted space, having a daughter was not acceptable for a time. Fear of gross over crowding meant death to a daughter, but still cool to pop out sons left and right. Seeing as how homosexuality is out of the question in Japan, most men go their entire lives without having sex. You can now justly refer back to the previous key point involving tentacles being cool. Seeing as how this is a big problem, and a lot of the guys not having tentacles, there must be other ways. This guy, decides that life like sex dolls are the answer. And these men have air sex yes, I said air sex. It's like air guitar, but with your crotch and a lot less private.

Let us now make the giant leap over to food. What the fuck is this Japan?! When I feel the urge for cheap, fast and delicious fast food, McDonalds is first in mind. Golden arches, statistic of how many served, clowns and a worthless mayor that can't catch one criminal. I do not think of said clown haunting me at every turn.

Don't get me wrong, I love a lot of the Japanese culture. The foods are amazing, the women beautiful until a certain age and their technologies are always mind boggling. But the weird stuff always makes me cringe.

Coming Soon

Beginning this Friday, October 7th, I am going to take advantage of my favorite time of the year to review for you, dear reader, a random horror movie a day through Halloween. That's 25 films, all randomly selected from Netflix; if any of you have any recommendations, I will happily listen, just leave a comment with the name and why you are recommending it, and I will oblige. Other than that, ladies and germs, I have to get back to the grind (work, Gonzo, kicking this flus ass...just the basics), but I look forward to hearing from each of you.

This shit

was what I used to live for. AMA Motocross, circa 1996. McGrath defending his outdoor title against the Fro.

Home is where the heart is

I look back on the last 10 years of my life and if I do not end up writing a book I am seriously wasting a good story. Lucky Man finds himself divorced, something I wish upon no one. Being an individual who demands success of himself, a failed marriage is single-handedly the biggest disappointment of my life. The heart ache, the pain, I wish it upon no one. Maybe it hurt so bad when it happened because I expected this marriage to last forever, or maybe I loved her, hell maybe I am just the kind of guy who never loses. Throw that on a shitty job that drove me crazy and I feel half the man I once was. Regardless, I am home to begin a new chapter of my life, and with that a positive mindset must take presidence. No more b.s. no more hours away from everything and everyone, and even better, time for new memories and maybe just maybe something so much better than I knew before.

To start this new chapter in my life I surrounded myself around friends and family and let me just say, you people rock! I seriously have the best friends, and the greatest family on the face of the planet. Here I sat five hours from everything, sober, heart-broken, and alone, or so I thought. My childhood friend and long time partner in crime was there the day after. Texts, emails, and phone calls flooded in. I found myself in therapy, and on a road heading south to the bluegrass state, the state where everything I know exists. I with that, I learned everything will be okay. I managed to catch up with each and everyone of my BPC familia, and spend time with my family which over the course of the last three years, was restricted to holidays. We talked, shared beers, hugged, cried, laughed, and remembered what makes life worth living, and that my dear readers is friendship...........scratch that family. Family goes beyond blood, and in Kentucky that is what I have.

In my time away from WV, I held my first new born, shared a hug and smile from friends I haven't seen in years, and showed myself happiness can be had again, even if it isn't exactly in the context my heart longs for. In my time spent in the south, I realized one thing, I belong in Kentucky. With this sudden clarity, I did the most spontaneous thing I've ever done in my entire life, I packed my shit, loaded up a U-Haul and did what everyone always expected with happened and moved to Lexington. With this new journey, I find myself roommates with Chadles, and let's face it everyone, it was bound to happen someday. This is where you find where you stand with your brothers. I visit to help with a move and find myself as his roommate, and let me tell you, it is amazing. This evening I sat at the pub with friends, eating fish and chips, laughing, and talking about our past and planning for events in the future. This is what life is all about. Happiness, friends, and memories.

My brother is expected, my dear brother Rev. is expecting and I actually get to be here to share those experiences. The past three years out of state has been the biggest growing experience of my life, and though it ended abruptly in heartache, I regret nothing, and most importantly, this new chapter of my life, this journey, I will embrace each and every day with a smile. Yeah I'm in therapy, yes I am sorta battered, and yes I still cry, why? Who knows. Maybe I do need medication, but I do know this, the best medication, the best therapy for me is being with each and every member of my family, both blood and BPC. This post is a thanks to you guys. Each and every one of you, from the late night texts to the hugs as I cried on your porches, to the beers, cheers, and positive reinforcement, to the father who made the 7 hour trek south at 2am, you all saved me. This new chapter in my life exists because of you all, and I will openly admit the book would have closed without that.

Home is where the heart is, and though my heart still lingers up north, everything will be okay. To the next chapter, cheers!

Appalachian Nation: One Hillbilly's Simple Message

September 23rd, 2011 marked the one year anniversary of my fraternal grandfather's death. I didn't think that the anniversary would effect me as much as it did. I spent most of the day coming to terms, something I thought I had already done, with the monumental loss of basically my only male support, a trusted and loved adviser. A man who I had spent more time with in my life than any other male role model, a grandfather who was really a father. During this reflection I began to think of my ancestry and what role my individual life is playing in the grand march of time. I began to think of the current situation that our communities are facing but more importantly the problems that have come to define the region in which we live.

Appalachia is a region steeped in history, a place that helped to weave the fabric that is America. Over 200 years ago our ancestors left behind everything they had ever known, with little more than the clothes on their backs, and set off to a new world filled with promise and hope. A place where they could be measured by their will and determination to survive, a place where a man, and probably more so a woman's, true grit would be weighed. Where they could redefine the stars under which they were born to what ever they wanted them to be. They left terrible situations in Germany,England, Scotland, and Ireland. All for the hope that a better life awaited an ocean away in a strange and deadly wilderness. They made their way into the hills of the United States western frontier (then) a region which reminded them so much of the places and people that they had left behind. Through disease, natural disasters, accidents (it is pretty easy to die of something small when the nearest hospital doesn't exist) skirmishes with natives, national wars from the revolutionary to the civil, and a myriad of other unimaginable obstacles these people fought and carved out a life from the unforgiving hillside. Their ancestors would go on to become some of the nations greatest and most revered artist, thinkers, innovators, and leaders. The history of Appalachia is the history of America.

However our ancestors could never have imagined that in recent times the dreams and hopes they held for the future would become lost, stuck, and drowning in the mire that is poverty, rampant drug addiction, environmental overstress, under-education and inadequate medical care. That their ancestors would become stereotyped through modern mass media into the roles of toothless, ignorant, incestuous, violent savages. They could never foresee the self defeatist attitude that would overtake the region and become the norm for most people in Appalachia. I don't have to sit here and highlight all the problems that face our people or really how we even got to where we are today we know it all to well because we live it. That is not the message I want to pass on to people describing what went wrong and what is wrong. Rather the message that I want to pass on to people is simply one of pride.

Take pride in the fact that you come from a stock of people who were some of the most bold, fearless, and inventive people of their day, not the ignorant lot portrayed in Lil Abner, on The Beverly Hillbillies, on Jerry Springer or the nightly news . Take pride in your home and land, keep the environment clean not just your little patch ( although some are so bad people could spend a life time reclaiming their own land unfortunately) and cherish the nature that abounds around us. These hills are some of the oldest mountains in the world, they contain one of the most bio diverse hardwood forest on the planet, and they are the direct connection we have to our past and ancestors. How many generations of human beings have lived, loved, passed, and now rest in these hills? Take pride in being a good neighbor by respecting others and their property and being an active member of your community. But most importantly, because all change starts here. Take pride in YOURSELF, take care of your life physically, mentally and spiritually. Refuse to be a stereotype, refuse to become a statistic, resist the temptations of self defeat the drugs, the cycle of dependence on the government and others, the filth that comes with self loathing. Stand up against those that don't have enough pride in themselves or their history to take control of their lives don't allow them to bring you or the community down further. We don't have to take what we have been getting lately.

You see we can stand up, one united Appalachia with our sights set on a better future for all of us and a more fitting memorial for our ancestors who we owe so much. We can pay our ancestors back for their intrepid, fearless pursuit of a better life for themselves and their offspring by living a life they would be proud of, by taking all of the good qualities and principles they shared and continuing to move forward into the future. All it takes is some good old fashioned APPALACHIAN PRIDE

Splatter-porn or: When Good Directors Go Bad

I have been furiously tearing through the Gonzo papers since last I posted, doing research for a future article on "The Ten Most Important Pieces of Gonzo Journalism"; it is slow going, as there are so damn many of them. Trust me when I say, however, that this is not a bad thing. For those not in the know, Gonzo is a form of journalism considered dead since February 20, 2005, when the good doctor decided that there was no more fun.

I digress: today is not about Gonzo or Hunter. No, today I want to talk a little bit about Dutch filmmaker Tom Six and his two most recent directorial efforts, The Human Centipede [First Sequence] and The Human Centipede II [Full Sequence]. This post is going to be split into two parts: the first concerning my thoughts on Human Centipede and what it meant to horror as a genre upon it's release, while the second will cover my initial reactions and musings on the reviews for Full Sequence just now coming out of Fantastic Fest.


The Human Centipede [First Sequence], written and directed by Mr. Six, was released on April 28, 2010 to much controversy; here was a film that told the story of a doctor so fascinated with the Nazi experiments during World War II (and centipedes...let's not forget that) that he kidnaps three tourists so that he can, "with 100% medical accuracy", conjoin them ass-to-mouth to form his very own human centipede (such subtlety in the title).

My initial reaction to this was "holy God damn shit, I have to see this movie!" I mean, c'mon: I came out of 2 girls 1 cup laughing uncontrollably at the fact that the hype and reaction videos didn't live up to what I saw. I went in expecting nothing short of something spectacularly vulgar that would change my very concept of how the world worked. Instead, I left with a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had just been hosed on such a grand level, and that there was nothing on this planet that would make me look at things differently.

I had high hopes for Tom Six's masterpiece. The reviews were ridiculous, and everyone seemed to think that this was IT; this was the one that would change the horror genre, finally pushing it into bold, previously uncharted waters of disgusting gore that we had yet to see. What I got, though, was an absolute shit-film that has almost no gross factor to it all. And no, I am not going to go into a fully detailed recounting of what I bore witness to that night, but I will tell you that I absolutely do not recommend watching it; it is a waste of time. Coming from someone that loves film in all of it's diverse forms, that is what you call a condemnation of the highest sort. The only redeeming factor of the film was Dieter Laser, the man behind the doctor. He was superb, relishing his role in a way that only some bastard hybrid of Christopher Walken and Udo Kier can. In fact, if Platinum Dunes ever decides to give this the remake treatment, I hope they get one of these two to fill the role.


At Fantastic Fest this past week, The Human Centipede II [Full Sequence] made it's premiere as part of their midnight horror series. The reviews for it have been wildly varied, but two in particular, from two men that I tend to actually put stock in (since they tend to agree on movies and I almost always agree with them), are the only ones that I am going to pay attention to.

The first comes from Collider.com, and is written by Scott Wampler. Scott and I disagreed on the first Centipede (he loved it, I hated it), so I have a feeling that I am absolutely going to hate this one (he loves it). And this actually makes me a little sad, as he makes it a point of mentioning that this one is full of ALL THE THINGS that I was hoping for in the first one. The only problem I have with his review, though, and the thing that is sending me into watching this movie with a negative outlook, is that it seems that Tom Six has let what everyone said about the first movie go to his head. The whole synopsis is included up there in the link if you care to read it, but that's the problem: he sacrificed any semblance of a good horror premise and seems to have transcended into the almost realm of snuff. Having said that, I don't care either way for snuff films, but I do care if a movie is awesome/great/merely good/meh/terrible/fucking shit, and snuff tends to fall in that last category, with the biggest notable exception being Ruggero Deodato's Cannibal Holocaust, which can not only be argued as being the first in it's genre, but also for establishing the found-footage film as a serious contender in horror (oh, and if you are curious, it falls under awesome).

The other review, from Quint over at Ain't It Cool (AICN has turned into a giant, steaming pile of dog shit over the past five years under the thumb of Harry Knowles, but that is neither here or there. Capone and Quint are both still worth following). Needless to say, Quint has all of the problems with the movie that I addressed above, and I feel a little vindicated in advance of watching it that we share some opinions concerning Full Sequence, and I haven't even seen it yet. I would post his review, but I refuse to support AICN anymore than I have to, so you will have to go over there and check it out yourself if you really want to read it.

I lost sight of the end goal in there somewhere, ranting about what a horrible travesty that Tom Six and his films are, but, like any person dedicated to film, I am going to make the journey back into his world to see this for myself. Fellow Goon Squad contributor Jordan Youmans and I watched the first one, and we are patiently waiting for this one to be available to us for final judgment, but I have very low expectations. Six is planning a third installment, but hopefully this one will be atrocious enough of a parody of filmmaking that no one will support him in his endeavors.

The Good Reverend's Vocabulary Lesson #1

 Thare quite a few people out there who throw words and phrases around because it's the "now" thing to say. Well, that's bullshit. One shouldn't use words/phrases that they do not understand. Drives me fucking banana sandwich. This is where I step in. Every so often, I intend to impart some vocabulary knowledge on our readership. Starting with a word that so many misuse.

 Brother/Brotherhood.

Brother, as defined by Merriam Webster

1

: a male who has the same parents as another or one parent in common with another

2

: one related to another by common ties or interests

3

: a fellow member —used as a title for ministers in some evangelical denominations

4

: one of a type similar to another

Brotherhood, as defined by Merriam Webster,

1

: the quality or state of being brothers

2

: fellowship, alliance

Now, sure, there's two more definitions, but I'm not concerned with those. Google that shit up if that's what you're into. 

What really gets me with this is that the guys who feel strongly enough about one another to call themselves brothers are the ones who don't act like ass hats in public. Should we acknowledge someone as a brother, you sure as hell don't hear the word "bro." If you respect a man enough to consider him a brother, you don't cheapen that title. We know where we stand with one another. We know what it is to lean on someone for help, to depend on someone when shit goes south, to be able to call someone after a while and pick up like you left off yesterday.
It's these arrogant assholes that are trying to feed off of what true brotherhood is. They want it, because they can't find it. They're all too shallow to understand it. The true brotherhood is mocked because if not, we have something intangible that cannot be bought, reproduced or mass marketed.

So don't call me your bro.



I ain't buyin' the shit you're sellin'.

Beard Watch - Day 23

Before you, dear reader, berate me for neglecting a daily post; I apologize. Being in the middle of a move amongst other life duties I have been incredibly busy.



Starting to fill out. It itches uncontrollably. It smells sometimes. My face gets sweaty. I love it.

Who You Gonna Call??

Sony Pictures announced yesterday that Ghosbusters will be re-released to around 500 screens nationwide. The movie will play for a limited time on three thursdays in October. You can catch the orginal sultans of slime on Oct. 13, Oct. 20, and Oct. 27.

Speaking about the re-release Rory Bruer, Sony Pictures’ President of Worldwide Distribution, said in a statement: “As we head toward Halloween, we ain’t afraid of no ghosts, but just the same, we’re glad that everyone’s favorite paranormal eliminators are on the case.”

Get your proton packs and popcorn ready!!!

Locke and Key

In the last couple of years, I've gone back to my roots for entertainment. I've always been a sympathizer for comics. Big reason why I've loved the X-Men movies, Spiderman, and anything else from Marvel and DC.

With the eruption of awesome that is, The Walking Dead , I decided to dive back into the depths of awesome. The roots where most of our entertainment comes from;comics.

I was like Bambi on ice. I was scared being back in a comic shop. Everything changed in the last 15 years since I've been in one. The new shop was great. The employees were very helpful and not like previous experiences.

After a year (and lots of money) they talked me into starting a new series; Locke and Key.

It's written by Joe Hill; Stephen King's son. And might I say, just as good as his father.

The books focus around the Locke family. Tragedy force them back to the family homestead across the nation; Key House.

In the house, hidden deep are many different keys. Each key has a special power when matched up with the correct lock.

Only 4 books are available currently, but I highly recommend the hard backs for a collection keeper.

Along with any great read, it's followed up with either an animated or live action adaptation. Check out the trailer for Locke and Key!

Sadly, the show will never see the light of day. This is very unfortunate as it would have made a #1 hit. But coming from Fox, the network that canceled Family Guy AND Futurama, Locke and Key must be amazing. If Fox Network were a doctor, they would throw away the cure for the common cold as well as AIDs.

It's here!! It's Finally Here!!!!!

Don't forget everyone this weekend kicks off that special season when kegs are tapped and feast are had!! Oktoberfest starts tomorrow!! When those from Germany and all adopted Germans celebrate all things Deutschland!! That means the awesomeness that is good beer,brats, pretzels, and hot busty beer maids!! I wont be near any formal festivities but that wont keep me from celebrating none the less!!! So grab a brew and join in on the fun!


ZUM WHOL!!!!

Life Is All About Perspective

"A penny will hide the biggest star in the Universe if you hold it close enough to your eye". - Samuel Grafton

It's pretty easy to get down living in our modern society with all of its monotonous, soul draining, materialistic uncertainty. However sometimes it helps to put things into the larger perspective. If you truly take a moment to slow down and give your mind time to rest the bigger picture can come into view. I have been interested in the cosmos for quite sometime, I have spent countless hours meditating on the mysteries of existence, reveling in the discoveries of mankind. Wowed by the new frontiers being explored by men and women far more intelligent than myself. Be it understanding consciousness, quantum mechanics, parallel universes, the search for black holes, or the origins of the universe itself.

Throughout the years with the more I learn and the more questions I have one thing has come to amaze me more than any other. That in a universe as vast and seemingly unending as ours, one that is thought to have existed for fourteen billion years,on a young planet (4.5 billion years old) in a backwater Galaxy in a undistinguished area of space there lives a young species (2.5 million years old) that has the capabilities to look out on all of the wonders of nature and ask these questions at all. I think that is a most glorious happenstance. That perspective gives me a sliver of hope that there are other species just like us out there wondering the exact same questions and feeling the same things as we are here on earth.

So when shit here seems to be too deep look out to the stars and know that our problems as big as they may seem, are infintely small on the cosmic scale and that simply being conscience is a gift worth more than any other. And if that doesnt do the trick well thank god for alcohol!


Hubble Deep Field view of a small part of the universe (those spiral shapes are galaxies)

You're standing over there, you're standing over there, and I don't know which way is up

You know who doesn't get enough credit? Paul Rudd. I mean seriously, this man is a comic genius and I am certain would have made a better Doug than Justin Bartha in the "Hangover" series. Think about it? Why else is Doug such a small piece of the puzzle? Obviously because Paul Rudd isn't mind fucking the shit out of you with his dry humor and rapist wit. Finally after all these years I realize there is someone famous that reminds me of myself. Think of the roles Paul Rudd plays. He's successful, only if you compare him to his lazy ass best friend. He always looks at the glass as half empty, and why the fuck not, it leaves less of a chance for disappointment. Up until marriage my relationships were always a disaster (dock another point for Paul Rudd's characters), and who can honestly say you don't expect me to take a picture of this magnitude when I'm 35?

Honestly, stare into this photo. The arrogance of posing in Playgirlesque fashion, with less than Playgirl looks, yet with enough cock in his walk to stare at himself in his lady friends mirror and say "that's right world, eat your fucking heart out." The similarities are uncanny.

Even more of a similarity is that of the friends Paul Rudd's characters team up with. I like to make reference to one of my all-time Paul Rudd favorites "Role Models". In this movie Paul Rudd plays Danny, a salesman for the energy drink Minotaur which places him the motivational speaker role to students in area schools (yeah I totally see myself telling kids how to make something of themselves). Danny has a less than stellar day and finally has a mental breakdown. The result? The company truck dressed as a Minotaur driven directly up the highschool statues ass (right on Danny!) Because of this, Danny and his best friend Wheeler (Sean William Scott) must do 31 days of community service at a Boys and Girls Club knock off. In a nutshell Danny is a miserable goddamn and Wheeler is a sex-crazed Goddamn. The result one fucking funny movie.

After a nice text from one of my closest friends, I thought it was time for an uplifting post. And who doesn't have the best friend who wants to do the absolute minimum (eat, sleep, and have sex) in life?

Thank you Paul Rudd for making movies that relate to me, and most importantly making movies I can relate your characters buddies to.

Mid-Terms are the devil and "Hey Wheeler she's tasting your beast!"

Further Observations on Low Budget Film

DISCLAIMER: This may get a little technical, but it is totally worth drudging through.

September 9th, 2011, saw sixteen new films open in North America. Of those sixteen, only four were truly considered "wide releases" (which means that the film premiered on at least 600 screens). Taking the top spot, Contagion opened to a better than expected $22,403,596, allowing Warner Brothers to already recoup a third of their budget. Playing on 3,222 screens, the film had an average take of $6,953 from each theater it played in. These are fairly impressive numbers for a release in September, which tends to find itself the dumping ground for sub-par releases.

The second widest released film from this past weekend was the MMA drama Warrior, which grossed $5,242,107 and finished third (behind Disney's powerhouse The Help). This is, by no means, a horrible opening for a movie that was made for $25 million: Lionsgate nabbed $2,805 from each of Warrior's 1,869 screens.

Adam Sandler's Happy Madison Productions (owned by Sony) claimed third amongst the new releases with Bucky Larson: Born to Be A Star; coming in at fifteenth, it only managed to pull in $1,415,023. I'm a little shocked, to be honest, with the amazing ad campaign Comedy Central has been running for weeks...

On that note, I have to take off on a rant for just a moment. Before I saw the atrocious TV spots for Larson on Comedy Central, I actually wanted to see this film. I mean, Grandma's Boy is hilarious, and it didn't do well in theaters. However, by the end of the first time I saw the bat-shit crazy commercial on Comedy Central, I wanted to run out into the streets and kill everything that drew breath. The inner Gypsy in me wandered what cruel curse has been bestowed upon me. I honestly looked for one of the ads to link in here, but it seems that fear of them making the interwebs violently implode has kept anyone from posting any of them.

...anywho, Larson opened on 1,500 screens and averaged $943 at each theater. Being a theater manager, this is the kind of film that makes me hate movie studios. These films have a taint on them that hurts every other movie playing in the same building!

Sorry. I really am finished ranting about Bucky Larson now. The only other thing I want to point out about it is that, even with such lousy numbers, it managed to make back a full tenth of it's budget. So, to review, we have three new releases that managed to make back 1/3 (#1 Contagion), 1/5 (#3 Warrior), and 1/10 (#15 Bucky Larson) of their budgets. Each od the studios involved are fairly content, knowing that there was no real loss in their investments. Sony has the biggest chance of getting burnt, but for every bad release Happy Madison puts in theaters, they have two or three that have returns in the HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS.

Finally, we arrive at this past weekends fourth wide release, Creature (Bubble Distribution). Coming in at 29th overall (there are currently 127 films in distribution across North America), Creature grossed $327,000; that's only $217 from each of the 1,507 theaters it played in. When you stack that up against the other three, this film seems like it is deserving of the Godzilla Facepalm. I mean, that can't even be 1/25th of it's budget, can it? CAN IT?!?

IT IS

Creature is a micro budget film, meaning that it was made for somewhere in the thousands of dollars. Generally, a studio doesn't have to release how much a film cost to produce if they spent less than $100,000 in it's making. Having said that, Creature did something that none of the other wide releases could ever have hoped to manage on their opening weekends: it grossed back somewhere between three and ELEVEN HUNDRED times it's budget. This is nothing short of phenomenal.

Before I go any further, I just want to make it clear: I have seen none of these movies. I do want to catch each of them, but will most likely wait for each of them to show up on Netflix before doing so...with the sole exception of Creature. I have no doubt, after watching the trailer, that it is probably a film better suited to the confines of SyFy (as I'm sure it will find a permanent home in their line-up in the coming years). Nor do I hold any hope that it is a good film: the point is, some people got together, made a movie, had it released nationally, and are reaping the rewards for their dedication. In doing so, these men and women have earned my money, and I fully intend for them to have it.

Coming full circle back to my review of Brother Tom last week, I do not want to see these types of films vanish. The micro budget film is quickly finding itself in the same boat with short films, and they're both struggling to keep it afloat. Support all forms of film, not only what Hollywood deems worthy of dipping their fingers in. My hat is off to each person involved in the creation of Creature: I hope that by this time next year, I can claim to be a member of your club. I also fully expect you to come see ours, if you get the chance. If we don't support each other, than why would any of us want to give it another go?

Metal-awesome

When it comes to art, I'm in the majority. If I see something I like, I can afford it, and have the space for it; I'll buy it.

My art tastes focus mainly on movie posters, stuff I've stolen I've found, pre-framed tattoo art (and art of tattoos I ended up getting, sports memorabilia, etc.

As I've aged and experienced more, I like to take consideration of bar decorations because of the comfortable feel I associate to drinking and old times with friends. One cool bar I've frequented over the last couple of years being Lynaugh's. Looking up to see many bicycles hanging upside down is always entertaining to me.

While browsing the internet's repost kingdom of Reddit, I find my new art obsession.

I definitely plan to submit a personal photo and have my likeness made into a metal statue.

Old Times

In college, there was a lot of time one could dedicate to getting drunk being social. Parties would start early, and sometimes, in good company, last until the sun came up.

As I got older, and let go of my clutch on college life; time for going out became scarce. Conversations over drinks became double dates and texts. Friends that I held as close as family, became once a year visits. A night of bar hopping became 2 hours at a 'not so busy bar'. 6 beers to get me drunk turned into a very expensive adventure to the liquor store. If I could get drunk and puke on myself at my age, I would consider myself lucky for finding the time.

Getting older sucks. But then I found this glorious educational video.

I plan to experiment with this profusely in the very soon future.

The Kids Aren't Alright

Yesterday during another soul draining day at the office I was once again, unfortunately for my sanity, forced to listen to a co worker ramble on about her kid’s soccer game tonight and how she was on the 10 year old all-star team last year (wow now that’s big time) and who beat who by how many goals and yada yada yada. This has happened on multiple occasions with several of my comrades in the office. But this time it got me thinking, aside from the usual, I don’t give a shit, about the current kiddie ruled world we now all inhabit and how much I fucking hate it.




It has now become the norm to put your child on some sort of fucking pedestal like they rule the universe and let them run rampant over their parents and other adults. For example you go to a restaurant and it’s a guarantee you will see some family with 3 of these little shits none older than 8 trying to order for their damn selves, while their self important parents look on and give themselves a big pat on the back for how independent their helping them to be. Meanwhile the waiter, I have been there myself, has to repeat over and over “look kid we don’t have kool aid here would you like something else” trying to ignore the fact he is treating a four year old like he is twenty five and all his tables are packed waiting for their fucking alcohol knowing this tip will be shit anyway. When all along the goddamn parents end up ordering for them like they should have to begin with. Or when you’re invited to a friend who has children’s home to hang out and the channel is never changed from the mind numbing psychedelic trip that is Yo Gabba Gabba! (Which would be fine if I had just eaten an eighth of shrooms...but we cant, why? fucking kids) and have to sit through endless “hey watch this I can twirl in a circle” shit, while again the parents rather than saying this is adult time and you need to go play, look on like their kid is Mikhail Baryshnikov.

I don’t have anything against children or families I just think they should take the Rock’s advice and know their role. What happened to children are to be seen not heard? I longed as a child for the day when I could become an adult and be part of the ruling age and my voice be heard. When I could drink copious amounts of alcohol, do drugs like a rock star, have reckless sex. Go to dirty dive bars, smoke cigars, drive excessive speeds on the highway, slap ho’s. You know the usual stuff kids of our era dreamed for when we escaped the prison of childhood. And now that’s here the script has been flipped and the kids rule while the adults pander.

Well I say fuck that!! Put them in their place, let them be children and when they are old enough to have hair on their balls they can order for themselves, watch whatever the hell they want, and do whatever else suits them. But for now they will bow to their masters just like we had too. And those of us who don’t have children with active social lives, expendable incomes, a spirit and zest for life still intact will do what we dreamed of when kids were kids. Getting into all the depraved and twisted debauchery adult life has to offer.

Beard watch - Day 7

Sorry about the lack of posts on this. I've just been really busy. I've been drinking more.

Here's days 5 and 7.




Day 5




Day 7...I don't look happy.

Born this way...

Since I posted about pop culture yesterday and I didn't talk about the good and creative things happening in the now, this felt so appropriate...

I can't say that I'm a HUGE Lady Gaga fan, I do however think she is brilliant even if she's annoying at times. I love high fashion and she is always in the category of outrageous. If someone would do my hair and makeup like that every day and I could get away with it, I would be doing the same. If my body was that tiny, I would be wearing next to nothing or the craziest things I could find. It's empowering and a beautiful way to say "fuck you." I love fresh ideas in music and she is one of the only artists these days bringing that to the table. She's ballsy and it's wonderful. I give her major kudos, so when I saw this magazine cover today, I think I fell in love with her even more.

Brother Tom Review

The short film is far too under-rated.

The blame lies in the hands of directors such as Michael Bay, Zack Snyder, and Gore Verbinski. And yes, before we go any further, let me go ahead and get it out there that I am a huge fanboy of Bay and Snyder (interesting fact: the two were college roommates). Anywho, these gentlemen have been delivering to us, on an almost annual basis for the past decade, films of such an epic proportion that short films have become a thing of the past. They still get made, and some may even find themselves getting the remake treatment into full-length features; more often than not, though, they just don't get watched.

Which is sad; shorts offer a director the chance to create a very deep, meaningful film without the need of a ridiculous budget. Case in point: Nick's Flicks latest short, Brother Tom. I had the honor of getting to see this fine film last week, but tonight saw it premiering at the Morehead Cinemas for the cast and crew (the second such time that we have premiered a Nick's Flicks short), which means that I can finally post my review for it!Toby Glover as the titular Brother Tom

Of course, I am more than a little excited to be doing this, for a number of reasons: 1) as a member of the team, it's free press. I can't even try to lie about that...2) this is the first "modern" production that I have had no active participation in. I had discussed it many times in the past with Nick [Johnson], but was not on set at any point...and 3) Brother Tom is an incredibly powerful movie.

In a nutshell, and sans any spoilers, Brother Tom is the story of a group of people that have lost their faith, for one reason or another; the titular Tom, though, is there for them when they needed him most, with his own outlook on faith. Through the course of the short (which clocks in right around 20 minutes), we learn a little about each member of this group, which is where the movie shines it's brightest. Nick assembled an excellent cast for this production, which is full of familiar faces. However, the introduction of Michele Breeze as one of Tom's followers brings an added bit of power; she absolutely owns the camera when she is on screen. In fact, this is really the first time that the cast for one of Nick's Flicks productions shines as a whole; in the past, things have always been lighter and more relaxed due to the comedic fare, but this is a wholly different beast.
Will Johnson and Michele Breeze

I highly recommend that you check this out when the opportunity arises. It's hard to believe that, in less than 30 minutes, you get more a more emotional ride than you could hope to find in most of this past summers blockbusters. Nick has taken the first step towards something great with this, and I am ecstatic that I am along for the ride, particularly with the upcoming slate for us: first up, the highly anticipated (at least by those who have seen More Than A Feeling and Plan B) finale to the trilogy of films that revitalized Nick's Flicks two years ago (in which I play the villain, Hilarity ensues), and secondly, the biggie, which, as of this posting, still has an embargo on anything I might say about it, so just trust me when I say it is going to blow you away.

Alright! I will lay off shoving Nick's Flicks down your throats, but only for a while: there will be plenty more in the future, but the next few weeks will see me trying to tap into Gonzo. The good doctor beckons, and I feel that I must heed the call of the beast and satiate it. In the meantime, the links for MTAF and Plan B above will take you to youtube, where you can watch them in their entirety; they are, however, only the links for part 1, respectively, so you will need to click over to finish them. You'll never listen to Chris Isacc's classic "Wicked Games" the same again.

Being drunk compared to sober

Over the weekend, I found myself at a wedding. Very tasteful event with an open bar.
An open bar with no limit.

I found myself in the usual situation I find myself in when any alcohol you want is offered for free and with a smile.




Somehow, I managed to keep a leash on myself and didn't get too out of hand...not until the DJ played Shout.

I told you this, to present the video I found today. A very good/accurate portrayal of being sober opposed to be drunk.

Re-watching, re-listening, re-reading...what are we creating?

Today as I was reading news with my noon o'clock breakfast, I was posed with an interesting question. Has our access to our past via YouTube and other sources made us care less about our future? I woke up thinking about the son I am a few weeks away from having and how myself, my husband and all of my friends think that if we could we would share nothing but cartoons of our childhood with our children. We are all in our 20's and early 30's obsessed with the 90's, 90's revivalists if you wish to term it. We get overly excited when Netflix adds seasons of our old Nickelodeon and Disney loves, we think it's the coolest thing ever when Pulp Fiction and other "classics" are back in theaters for one night, we still quote MTV from the good days of Beavis and Butthead and Daria, the majority of us were beyond thrilled to hear Blink 182 was touring together again and making a new album...we just have to face it. We are obsessed with our past.

I wanted to think for awhile it was just a "nerd" thing, but as I think about pop culture in America all I can think of in a mainstream fashion is reunion tours, re-formations, remakes, sequels, tributes and reruns of all our favorite shows from decades past, all of it good and bad is resurfacing constantly. Are we working on the death of pop culture itself? What happens when we run out of past to obsess over? Generations before us loved what they had, they reminisced about it, they still may think it's the best, but they still were awake and alert enough to realize that there's a whole world of creation there, a whole world of imagination that needed to be shared. Why does my generation think that we can't top what's been done? What has caused us to stoop so low as reality TV? Because of what we had, how it shaped our lives and how wonderful we still know it is, we should have the biggest imaginations and the most heart...but we seem dry and heartless.

I can't think of a society that has been so obsessed with the culture of their own immediate past and it makes me wonder if in 2020, we will all finally be burnt out on the 90's and revisiting the 00's and still not looking forward to what could be?

Until I have some sort of answer at the age of 32, I will be just as guilty as everyone else and leave you with:

"Stand firm for what you believe in until and unless logic and experience prove you wrong. Remember when the Emperor looks naked, the Emperor is naked. The truth and a lie are not sort of the same thing and there is no aspect, no facet, no moment of life that can't be improved with pizza."-Daria

The Poet's Corner

This week’s topic: Urban Spoken Word

I am a major fan of poetry be it the classics like Whitman or modern day works like Angelou. But yesterday I started to think of a medium of poetry that is often over looked and it upset me that it rarely gets the credit it deserves, of course I am talking about the urban spoken word style. These works often tell the ugly truth about the existence that is modern day American life in the big city, sometimes with words alone other times accompanied with music. People tend to write these artists and their works off by saying they are mentally weak and anyone can do it. I say nay to that and present an excerpt from the highest form of urban spoken word, gangsta rap, for your consideration.

I have chosen the artist Spice 1 and his work “Born 2 Die”. Now many other choices would have worked, classics like Dr. Dre and his “Nothing but a G thang” or 2 live crew with “Me So Horny” or the quintessential 504 Boy’s “I can tell”. But none of those touch the heart of the inner city quite like Spice 1’s masterpiece. It’s the tale of a tortured man and his twisted mind, with guns that telepathically speak to their owner, copious amounts of blood and technical word play that would make Shakespeare blush with envy. The line “My granddaddy Mr. AR-15, said he was my only family shoot straight and please don’t jam me.” Cuts to the heart of family relationships with such intensity Keats would hang his head in shame. Another example “One for the glock, two for the clip, bullets in your ass make you hop and skip”. Written with such an original lyrical style it makes Dante’s work seem like jingles for a feminine hygiene product. Or my personal favorite the classic line on urban decay “AK spray beat your body as it lay on the concrete, die in one beat of the heart, seven day old ass body smell a little tart”. That’s just the tip of the iceberg with the depths this piece penetrates, it's quite easy to get lost in contemplation when listening.

What says you poetry snobs, still not convinced of the gravity and artistry of these street sages? Then I suggest you strap in to the roller coaster that is “Born 2 Die” and prepare to expand your mind. BEEEOTCH!!!

Rain Makes for shitty times

The above photo started an obsession, well actually it was the end of one obsession and the beginning of another. The day I uploaded this photo I knew that I was slowly losing passion for this car and the hobby in general. August of 2006, and it took nearly five years for me to bother turning the wrenches on another ride. Happily that day I fell in love with the photo itself. I combined four years of blood, sweat, long hours, late nights, and cash to create something that was an extension of me. But something beautiful happened that day. I realized the car alone didn't make a photo but the back drop itself. Now anyone who knows me understands I will have a life-long soft spot for the hills of Eastern, KY and this photo captures that. The view you see behind you goes for over 60 miles, 60 freaking miles, think about it? That is utterly amazing. Now less than one year after this photo was taken my car was nearing what I called completion before frustration set in and I started ripping it apart. Even worse, someone started laying the foundation for a house in the one and only piece of real estate I would have ever considered owning. Even worse, they didn't even build a porch to enjoy the view, what a bunch of assholes?

Now let's fast forward nearly five years later and my passion and drive reappeared. I spent 5 years polishing, cleaning, and making a car a rolling trophy. Fuck that shit, the real passion comes from turning the key, letting the exhaust growl, dropping it in gear and tearing shit up. Dirt becomes walking art, and obviously, saving for nice camera equipment is paying off in the photo department. This photo was taking at the 2011 Indy 500, and perhaps with a bit of liquid courage, I decided to see why so many people step away from Subaru's with a smile. I spent countless hours and plenty of broken knuckles trying to turn heads, and in one weekend, I got my thumbs ups, beers, compliments, and smiles from doing what a true car enthusiast is supposed to do, DRIVE!

I know its a rainy evening but for all you gear heads out there get out your favorite driving shoes, grab your keys, and give your car the ride of its life.